Linz....I hear you. Something I've learned and believe very much (even though I sometimes curse God myself for not understanding his plan) the fact is that he DOES have a plan....even for me...so I KNOW he must have one for you too. When I was 20 I could have NEVER imagined how he was pulling me along (often dragging me) in the directions that would even lead me to where I am today. I look back on the twists and turns that i never saw coming and how they ended up to be so wonderful in the end (even though I kicked and screamed wanting to go my own direction....he still drug me down the paths that I needed to go down to get where I should be). That all said, this part of my life right now...I feel is probably (I hope) the most difficult time I will ever go through. And I try very hard to keep the frame of mind that there IS a reason even for all of this and my painful childhood ….and even loosing my job in April. I "think" I understand the direction my life is heading in accordance with his will…but really, all I can do is pray for his will to be done each day in my life and to beg him to continue to drag me kicking and screaming if I’m ever being stubborn again. And even though it may often not sound like it from all my words…but I DO believe that he has great plans in store for me and I will end up happier than I can ever imagine if I have faith in that and follow him through.
Obviously I can’t know what reasoning God had for allowing your church family to be so cruel, but just a few thoughts….maybe there will come a day when YOU have the chance to help someone in those same shoes to NOT feel so abandoned by all. Maybe you can be that ONE person who goes against what the others chose and decide to stand strong and believe in that young girl….just as you had sooooo wished someone would have stood by you. You know what it’s like to be without….and that prepares us to help SO many others not feel that same amount of pain. And even more so….because of your drug addictions….maybe in learning from and overcoming that addiction….you will also have the tools to help another young person in those same shoes as well.
I think the greatest thing we can do in reaction to our hardest struggles….is to turn them into something totally positive and use them to help the lives of others who didn’t have anyone to lean on. Someday YOU will be a rock for someone else struggling. Keep that in mind and I dont’ think you can ever fail. Look at all the difficult journeys you’ve been through and continue to go through….like classes in college. They are dang HARD classes….but if you embrace all the things you can learn in those classes then just imagine what you will have when the final test comes!
That’s what keeps me going…that’s what keeps me learning and not giving up. This is all one big lesson in life that I HAVE to learn in order to fulfull my destiny and God’s will for my life! There IS a reason and God is always 20 steps ahead of us…we just have to be patient and know that there WILL come a day when it all makes sense.
Here’s one more little tid bit that I’ve been telling people around here…..and that is that when my bipolar tude’ kicks in and I start ripping peoples heads off and jumping down their throats….we all know that is not really ME, and I have learned that those people who mean the most to me and who I am closest to are the people who get my bipolar tongue wrath the most. So tell your soon-to-be fiancé this (although he sounds like he already understands with is SO SO wonderful!) or anyone else….just tell them "I only become a bitch to the people I care about the most so if I jump down your throat …just try and take it as a compliment and a bipolar demonstration of how much you mean to me…b/c I dont’ have the energy or the time to jump down people’s throats who mean very little to me."
I usually jump down my mom’s throat and she is an overly sensitive person, but she’s come to understand that I don’t mean to treat her that way…that it’s just a product that sometimes comes along with my illness. I’ve gotten pretty good at realizing what I’ve just said or done to her and immediately apologize as soon as I do finally realize. And every 6 months or so I take a little inventory with her and ask her to tell me how I was able to manage my biting during that time. Even now there are many times that I say and do things that are mean that I HAD NO CLUE I had done or said in that way. Then I can of course have the chance to apologize to her for those things to. But above all….she knows I am NOT that mean person and she is able to not let the things really hurt her that much.
Now….a few questions and such….are you going through severe depression right now? I ask (and this is how I guessed so close to your age) because I hit my first major depression around 21 and it lasted for about a year and caused me to have to drop out of college for a while. You are DEFINETLY one step ahead of me if such a depression is in your future b/c you are informed of the bipolar illness and can take real steps to address it…like coming here for one…and for knowing to go straight to a psychiatrist who can prescribe mood stabilizers where as most reg. Docs will only focus on treating the depression. I battled docs for that whole year and even got some of them pissed at me b/c nothing they gave me seemed to work and they were not educated enough to educate me about what I was dealing with. They just got tired of seeing me and listening to me complain and cry in their offices…LOL. Anyway, realizing you illness at such an early age is a real good thing in my book b/c I wish I had known then what I know now.
Your soon-2B fiancé sounds like he is a God-send….you are blessed to have someone who will not fail you even when you feel like you fail yourself (as we bipolars often do
. We all need at least 1 person who will stick by us no matter what happens. I could just give him a great big giant hug for being the kind of person you have described and I pray he will always be able to be that way and be there for you. WOW…that’s just awesome.
Well, I must go. I’ve got to try and make my butt get moving on some things…but I look forward to hearing from you again….stay strong and keep in touch,
Hugs,
Jenna