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((((((Linz))))) Welcome to SR dear heart!

I'm a rapid cycling bipolar just like you so know that I understand much of what you're going thru there and that I will offer you any and all support I have to offer.

I even had a childhood quite similar to yours althought I don't believe mine was quite that vicious but I’ll give you a little brief synopsis: Was molested by my uncle around age 5 and both my mom and dad had caught him being inappropriate with me at age 1 and threatened to kill him if he ever did it again, but they still allowed me, and eventually my little sis to stay the night there so they allowed it to happen. He ended up going to prison, which took a father away from his 2 sons and I grew up feeling responsible for them not having a dad -figure around for about 8 years of their childhood. My mom yelled at us about everything and dad ignored us….just got worse when they divorced around when I was 12 or so. Mom pretty much abandoned us completely and even when we rarely stayed with her all she did was scream and yell about having kids around. Living at home with dad…..well I know EXACTLY how you feel about not feeling like you ever had a home. My dad married my step-mom Glenda just right after the divorce and she had a daughter my age but about ½ a year younger. Well from that point on my life totally became a livign hell. I was literally ignored by all until I graduated and moved away to college. Only way dad would talk to me was if I went out where he was working and acted interested in whatever he was doing. If I tried to talk about anything in my life…he never paid attention….just gave me a few nods and "a-huhs" every so often to make it seem like he was but I would usually give up mid-whatever I was trying to tell him and walk out and he never even noticed. And asking for lunch money every week always put me in uncontrollable tears b/c he had always spent all his money over the weekend at the bars and he would yell and get very upset b/c he had to fork over his last few dollars...or would make us feel even more like crap if he didnt' even have a couple dollars because then he had to find some money some how....many times we got change that he had dug around and found. And when it came time for evening meals...well...my step-mom was so vicious that she would only fix enough for her, her daughter and my dad, like she would ONLY fix 3 hambergers and my sis and I would have to dig to find something b/c we didnt' know how to cook. And she would only set the table for 3 people. The only time my step-mom or step sis would say anything at all was to repremand me or tell me to do something and then it was in a very cold and hateful tone like they were sick at their stomachs to even have to deal with me. I if I ever had a question or something it was like talking to thin air…..they heard me, but always acted like they didn’t. My black lab dog became my only friend for quite some time. Sounds silly I know, but she could tell when I was really hurting and would always come to comfort me and I would talk to her just like a person and she would look at me just like she understood. That was all I had. I finally got involved in church and drownded myself in it just like you…and my best friends family practically adopted me and took always picked me up and even would pay for me at resturants we went to after church. I was very blessed to have them. It breaks my heart that your church family did you so wrong. I can only imagine what that would be like after feeling like I had….and I know you must have….that no body loved you or cared if you lived or died. I felt unlovable and still do and I’m 29…never been married….only one real relationship has every lasted more than 3 months and that b*stard molested my precious and darling cousin who’s mom died when she was 11 and she lost her only sister at the time and had never met her real father. Anyway, I desperately want kids and a husband, but dont’ think me personally will ever be well enough to be successful at either of those attempts. Anyway, sweetie, the fact that you have made it here tells me how strong you are to have survived all that you've been through! That's a BIG thing to be proud of yourself for!

I'm guessing that you're in your early 20's like 21 or 22....am I right?

Anyway, this last year has been hell as I am STILL dealing with a major depressive episode. I’ve been in the hospital twice and a treatment program twice, was fired from my career job when I went back into the hospital for the second time, lost the love of my life b/c he was a ver toxic late-stage alcoholic who was going back and forth between me and his "other" girlfriend for about a year. I let him bring my so down in life that I came seconds away from making a split suicide attempt to run my car into heavy oncoming traffic….all on a night I had just won the most exciting and prestigious award I ever had in my field of journalism.. I should have been glowing and grining from ear to ear…but I could have won the lottery that day and it wouldn’t have mattered to me…nothing else did but him. Well, I finally got rid of him through the help of Alanon. Anyway, I always direct new bipolars at this site to my journal of this past year here at SR…some have found it helpful to know they are not alone in their struggles with this illness and such and others here have been angels to me throughout that thread. This place….I can’t say enought about this place…this forum mostly b/c everyone I know in this mental health forum are the most caring and supportive and non-judgemental people I know. So I hope you feel as comfortable in this place as I do….this is my little peice of heaven. If your intersted in a long reading my old thread is called something like "Help, I’m going through a bipolar episode and I’m scared."

Dont’ know if you know this, but around 85 percent of bipolars have been found to abuse substances in attemps to self-medicate, regardless of whether or not they know they have a mental illness. Thus far, I feel blessed that I am only addicted to cigerettes, but with my asthma and emphazima…they literally are death sticks and will kill me faster than most, but I can’t get strong enough to get away from them. I’ve read that when people with substance abuse issues are able to get their bipolar under control that it becomes much easier to stay free from the addictions…but I dont’ know since I’m still struggling a lot with my illness and also because I don’t have a "true" substance abuse problem, one which affects my daily life like alcoholism or drug use does….so I can’t personally speak from experience there, but there are others here who can.

Also….just a side note that I try to tell everyone new that I run into…we are a fairly small group here in this particular forum so it might take a little longer (or much longer in some cases) to get feedback to your threads and posts, so don’t get discouraged and think we don’t care b/c we do…very much so

Hope you stick around and keep us up to date on how things are going for you. Feel free to PM me or ask me anything in a thread that you want….we are all a pretty open and honest bunch and I dont’ hide anything about my illness.

Feel loved by me…I feel your pain and can empathize with many of your struggles. Just remember that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Hugs and prayers,
Jenna

P.S….see and you were worried about your long writing! Girl, don’t pay no mind to that….I’m very long winded cuz I type much faster than I can read and I dont’ have an edit button so everything I think and can get out before disappears…well here it is…all of it…LOL…I’ve really got to get an edit button installed someday before it REALLY gets me into trouble..LOL. J