[LinzisAddiction]

Ok, one last post before i crawl into bed...im sorry if im bothering anyone with all my long posts...im excited to have found a forum i relate too...

anywho...i'll try to make this one as short as I can. I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when i was 5. I have 2 older sisters, who are 7 and 10 years older then me. Whom both now have families of there own, one living in Holland, and the other back home in Ga. When i was about 7, my mother decided she wanted to live the single life, and realized that having a small child, she couldnt really do it. So, she made the decesion to live her life..and forget about mine. I was often shipped away to friends and family's houses on the weekends, to give my mother "free time" and during the week, she would lock me up in my bedroom untill it was time for dinner. My father wasnt around, he was married again, with steph children to take care of. My mother was engaged by the time i was 10, to a much older, very wealthy man named George. He was a kind man, but i didnt like him because i blamed him for taking my mother away from me. When i turned 12, Georiga had passed on, and my mother became suicidal and a user. Taking as many pills as she could. She was practicly a walking pharmacy. George's youngest son was a Youth Minister at a local baptist church, and he wanted me to come and visit. I wasn't very "popular" at school, due to the lack of attention my mother gave me, i was unaware of cleanliness and self hygeine. I started to attend the church in which Joe was the youth minister at. I loved it! I had fianally found a place where i was accepted, and truly loved by all. I had found people who loved me, and a God who cared for me unconditionally. Joe and I spent a lot of time together, he was around from time to time while my mother was dating his father, and was very much aware of the lack of attention and love i was receiving from home. Taking that to his advantage, he started to abuse me sexually, it lasted 4 years, and my mother was aware pretty much every second. She had walked in on him having sex with me, and would just turn around and walk out!!! I never told anyone, for 1, scared that no one would believe me, and for 2, my mom didnt seem to be botherd by it, so i thought maybe i was just being odd. and maybe it WAS ok. Before i new it, Joe and I had a "relationship" and even tho i was completely uncomfortable with everything that was going on. I appreciated that someone in my life finally cared about me, I thought i had fallen in love. He took my craving of attention and used it to his advantage. After about 3 years into it, my so called "church family" started to suspect things were going on, and started being extremely cold to me, instead of asking me what was wrong, or if anything was going on. They just avoided me all in all, my youthgroup started to disrespect me, and of course, i was a very loyal member. The president of the Youth Commitee, leader of the praise and worship on wednesday nights, and teaching bible study once a month. During clean up, after church on sundays, i often found some of the notes that the youth members would pass back and forth, and read these awful things they said about me. It broke my heart...these were my friends, and i didnt understand how they could hate me for something i had no control over. One day, Joe had come by my house to have his way with me, and the minister of my church came by. I opened the door, to him screaming and yelling at me, accusing me of being a homewrecker (Joe was married and had 2 children in the youth group as well) I was so upset, shortly after that, i found out that i was pregnant. My sister found out, and called the police...Joe was thrown in jail, i had dropped out of school, and attempted to keep my son. But later miscarried due to stress and my age. My so called "church family" told me i was never allowed near that church again, my friends had turned there backs on me, and everyone accused me of "seducing" a married man, and a youth minister. I didnt understand these things. Didnt understand how i could be at fault. To this day, i've been diagnosed with Bi~Polar/Manic Depressant. I am happily in love with my fiance'. But, i feel so bad, because I know that he deserves so much better treatment. I cant help it...my moods jump from one to another...i have such great "highs" and im so happy...but instantly, ill have the lowest of lows, and suicide often fills my thoughts. He amazes me by putting up with me. He helps me try to stay clean of the drugs i was once involved with, and respects me, and try's his best to understand my emotions.

Lately, my moods have been jumping so drasticly in an instant. Im in an enviorment, that im unfamiliar with, i have no friends, and no family really. I live with my mother, but obviously with the crap from my psat, we dont get along at all. She's with another man, who, again, is quite wealthy, and thats all that matters to her. I want a family..i want friends..i want a life of happinesss...since i was 9 years old, since my mother started dating...i find myself often curled up, crying hystericaly, wanting to "go home" when, in reality...im "homeless". I have a place to reside..but i dont have a home..and i havent for 11 years...bah, this is just the beginning, im sure that i'll use this forum often throught out my insane ups and downs, in hopes that i can find support and help. Especially with my suicidal thoughts, and my drug usage. Thanx for listening....