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Originally Posted by minnie 1. He demands sex on the first date, and when you repeatedly refuse it, he replies that he won't take no for an answer, and asks repeatedly what he has to do to make you change your mind.
3. Despite his obvious mental angst [or perhaps because of it...] he completely rejects the idea of professional therapy as a sham, preferring to confide in YOU, because, well, YOU are so much better at understanding him and his troubled life than some overpaid professional "quack."
6. He says things like "I see in you the woman you can be (/become)", in combination with his love declarations. (This sounds very romantic in the beginning, as if he wants to help you grow, or develop, or god knows what you make of it, but in fact it means: I see flaws in how you are now and I am going to do something about "fixing" you)
7. He immediately starts sucking up to your friends and trying to become buddies with them. I am not saying being nice to them, I mean trying to establish his OWN close relationship with them. (In the beginning easily taken for 'nice': he wants to be a part of my life, but in fact a means to have better control -e.g. make you start doubting them later if he wants to alienate you from them, to make you more dependent on him, and to prevent you from having someone to talk to about problems with him (friends don't want to get "caught in the middle"). Manipulators try to get close to YOUR friends in order to feed misinformation behind the scenes, so that they come off looking like martyrs when they pull the rug out.
HOLY CRAP!!! WE HAD A FIGHT ABOUT THIS LAST NIGHT!!!
8. They have had a chemical dependency problem in the past. Addicts usually replace one addiction with another, if they ever leave on addiction behind at all. Alcohol today, porn tomorrow.
9. Men who have juvenile hobbies such as comic book or action figure collections. This is a huge sign that they're not all the way grown up.
11. You assert some perfectly normal, basic right of yours, for example to not lend him your car for a week or something, and he acts very shocked and hurt, and tells you that YOU ARE VERY SELFISH. 99.9% of the time, when a person tells you YOU are selfish, it is because you are refusing to give in to some unreasonable, selfish demand of theirs. They will try this with any aspect of life where you assert yourself as a separate independent person - such things as going back to school, having your own bank account, going out with your friends without him, etc. are "selfish" since they are not about him or his "needs."
15. He and you grew up differently- him from a traditional "old world" style family- and you a "Americanized" family- and he wants you to behave/dress/talk more conservative (like his mother- a lifelong homemaker).
19. He says things like, "If I can't make it work with you, I don't think I can make it work with anyone...", trying to emotionally manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, so you'll stay around when he is clearly behaving like an ass.
20. He sits in the car, honking the horn, or starts to drive away, while you are still in the house/apartment, trying to get ready to go out. He knows you aren't ready yet, but he goes out to the car anyway. He gets angry and frustrated if you aren't ready the instant HE is. Your life is expected to run on HIS schedule.
21. On the subject of running your life on HIS schedule, You are expected to wake up when HE does, and go to bed when HE does. If you stay up late or sleep in, he sulks or takes off without leaving any indication of where he has gone. He may "forget" the two of you made plans for that day, or go do the activity you planned to do together, with someone else.
22. Something about him "creeps out" or unnerves other friends or family members.
29. He blames all his previous relationship failures on the women he was with. He complains how they were unstable, insensitive or just didn't understand him. If he DOES admit that he ****** things up, he is quick to point out that if SHE had been the *right* person for him, she wouldn't have allowed him to **** it up.
32. He/she talks about looking for a "soul mate" or "someone to complete me".
33. He warns you about his previous bad behavior, and indicates that he is "working" on it, but is not "healed" yet. He implies that maybe only YOU can really understand and help him overcome his past, but he's not sure. This leaves him an "out" (an "I WARNED you" option) when he DOES act out again.
36. He has no friends period.
37. He has people he calls "friends" but he very rarely, (or *never* calls) them, goes out with them or does anything with them.
41. He/She doesn't take responsibility for his/her behavior- everything is someone else's fault. Or blames all adult mistakes on parents
43. He/She gets annoyed if you want to spend time with anyone else but him/her. Won't let you have your own friends and starts gradually cutting you off from them. Or insists she/he doesn't need any friends except for you.
46. He remembers EVERY mistake you ever made, and brings them up long after you apologized (and made reparation), in order to justify HIS bad behavior ("Well YOU did X... and I'm still hurting from it..."). OR he uses those old hurts as excuses for his "depression".
47. He has a completely different recollection of "events" than you have, and insists that YOU are the one that has the faulty memory. Especially events where HE acted inappropriately.
49. (if you are living together). He complains about the mess in the house, and criticizes the lack of kitchen cleanliness as if it is YOUR fault, but his own room or office is a STY. (Remember, it's easier to criticize the way a woman keeps a kitchen than it is to admit you are a misogynist.)
51. He is uncomfortable with you talking to his former girlfriends/partners/spouses.
52. (According to him) all or many of his former girlfriends are "nuts" or emotionally unbalanced. Watch out for the "I did this bad thing, BUT... SHE brought it out in me.... and I won't be that way with you..." or worse... the "I'm not sure if I won't do this again, but with the RIGHT woman to BELIEVE in me..."
53. He seems like a "lost puppy" in need of care. (Get help for yourself for even being attracted.)
54. He has ANY history of childhood abuse (abusive parents or siblings), ESPECIALLY (but not limited to) sexual abuse, and he hasn't been in YEARS of therapy (and I mean YEARS - like a decade or more, depending on his age), working through his issues. Men who were abused have a very strong tendency to become abusers. It takes many many years of therapy to overcome this, if they can at all. And when they start therapy, they often get worse before they get better. Manipulative men who have been in therapy for only a year or so or are probably at the WORST stage to get involved with.
55. He/She is on the rebound - i.e. less than 1.5 years after a major breakup from a long-term relationship.
57. He tells you all the ways you are alike and seems to find more similarities with each passing day - he's setting you up. He's "mirroring" you to be more attractive. It's another abuser/controller pattern.
58. He/She wants to get married before you have known each other for more than 1-2 years and haven't even lived together yet. It takes at least 1.5yrs for the "hormone rush" of infatuation to wear off, and the true colours to start to emerge, depending on how quickly you individuate away from the "joined at the hip" phase.
61. He renegs on or "forgets" any financial agreement the two of you had - such as to share the rent on a basement apartment you both worked on to fix up.
64. He is constantly "down" and has a variety of excuses - his back hurts, he doesn't get enough light, you are keeping him awake at night so he doesn't get enough sleep, he hasn't had enough to eat that day, etc.
65. He suffers from some kind of chronic pain, such as back pain, but refuses to get any treatment for it, and then uses it as an excuse for why he is irritable, inconsiderate and even nasty.
68. You *clearly* and openly state your expectations and needs, in a calm and caring fashion, you are told that you are being "controlling" or "manipulative" or "too sensitive"
71. He used to be completely interested in anything you had to say, and now starts showing disinterest in topics that interest you, to the point of rudeness. He won't even listen out of politeness or courtesy. Complains that you don't talk about HIM enough, or listen to HIM enough, and that what you are interested in, isn't interesting to HIM. Expects YOU, however to be interested in ANYTHING *he* is interested in.
75. He/She puts on a *very* different demeanor, a different personna, when at work or with another group of people. He/she seems to be a chameleon depending on who they are with - instead of being one *real* person. If questioned, gets defensive and insists that they just have many "facets" to their personality, implying that you just don't fully "accept" them as they are.
77. He doesn't eat.
78. He's in a real hurry to get married, right now, right away!
79. He's an ex-con. For some women, this still isn't enough, for some reason.
83. After only one or two dates, gets overly possessive. Calls constantly, sends gifts, shows up at work.
88. She still calls her mother every time she has to make a major life decision.
89. He/she says things like "you're everything to me. I can't live without you."
90. Everyone hates him- your friends, your parents, even your dog.
92. He/she can't hold a job for more than three months.
95. He supports his driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol with the phrase, "I'm a professional!" (The fact that drugs are present should be red flag anyway, but not everyone feels that way.)
100. This is a big one: HE DOWNPLAYS AND DEGRADES ALL OF THE "RULES" PEOPLE FOLLOW WHEN DATING. HE COMPLAINS THAT WOMEN ALWAYS MAKE MEN JUMP THROUGH HOOPS. HE FOCUSES ON THESE TWO IN MOST CONVERSATIONS FROM THE FIRST DATE ON. His way of getting around the rules is to repeat, "Ours isn't a conventional relationship. We're not like all of those other people out there who have to have boundaries."
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