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Don...I think you know me well enough from my threads to know how much I understand what you are feeling right now and when you said:

"Plus, I've been angry because the medication is making me a little lathargic. Only being a month it should get better. I think I'm really angry not being able to overcome it."

YEAH...totally how I feel. I'm sick of it...but scared of what happens without the meds. It's a vicious thing. Have you ever thought about ECT? Do you have a support group or therapist you see regularly? Has me worried about you because of the drinking thing. I know I desipise addictive scripts...but when things get bad like they have for me the last few days....it's hard to not go running to the doc for them...so in that regard (and only that regard) can I relate to struggling with the thoughts of drinking. The need to escape the pain and crap we deal with is, I think, one of the harder things we have to deal with...which is of course why 85 % of bipolars abuse substances in attempts to self-medicate. I'm desperately trying not to become one of those statistics...but as I get older and the longer I'm having to deal with this major depression crap...the harder it is for me not to go running to anything to escape it for a little while.

Traxodone? is that similar to Trazadone (or are they one in the same and I just don't know how to spell it?) I don't know a thing about the other drug?

And I can understand where some of your thoughts are about having your own struggles to deal with and still remain a good moderator to us all. First of all....we are all human...and you are no different...so don't ever feel bad for tending to your own needs here...k. Take care of yourself first b/c if you don't then you will eventually not be able to help us at all if you let things spiral out of control. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you should be worrying about. I've often thought it would be fun to be a moderator some day...especially in the co-dependency forums...but I don't know that I would ever have the confidence to do that and I know that I would feel the same pulls in 2 different directions that you are feeling now. I just can't be responsible for anything that I don't HAVE to right now. But as for you....don't worry about not being perfect...and ESPECIALLY don't worry about responding to my VERY long and jabbery posts...You know I understand others and know how hard things are on others...and you're no differnt....I know that if you aren't able to respond to me when you're feeling down especially...that it doesn't mean you don't care, but rather your doing the right thing in taking care of yourself...and it couldn't make me any happier than to know that you are and every one else here is taking care of yourself. I know I b*tch about no body caring about me and such...but I know you guys do and I know you guys understand me much better than anybodies else can...and that means that the same is true for me and the way I feel about you guys. No matter how much I might b*tch...just know that nothing is more important to me in that regard than to knowing that you and everybody else is/are dealing with their own demons and getting the help/love/support you all need. So give yourself a break and don't worry about pushing so hard to respond to everyone...especially me. If you feel you need to disappear for a while...that's totally better than fine by me because it means you're doing whatever it is that you need to be doing....nuf said!?!

Anyway...hang in there...I really think there is something to the whole seasonal thing and believe that once October is over that we ALL will start feeling much better (my hopes at least)...I'm just keeping my eye on that prize (Nov. 1)...and will keep on truck'n on.

Lots of HUGS,
Jenna