[Don W]

The last few days I've been forcing myself to talk and be with people. This hasn't happened for awhile. I just want to completely isolate. My new medication is Traxodone and Citalopram for the month. It helps my depression but, seems to zap all desire to do things. Sometimes I try to always be strong for other people. Even here, I've brushed aside my own fears and issues to be strong for others. As a moderator, I was forgetting to take care of me. I trapped myself giving all this great advice but, not following it. This is where the isolation comes from. The real issue is I want to escape. For years I escaped to the bottle. Although almost 3 years, under stress I view it as an easy and quick escape. Plus, I've been angry because the medication is making me a little lathargic. Only being a month it should get better. I think I'm really angry not being able to overcome it. I always get back to this control problem. I know we can't control things but, not being able to bothers me still. Even not being able to control side affects from medication. Although I've made progress, I still view this as a weakness at times. The same was true of my drinking, I tried for years to try and control it. This was a weakness just like not being able to move on from things. I tried for years to bury the sexual and physical abuse. I think what hurts most is not being able to talk with family about it. I've tried and event though they suffered the same, they choose to still bury it. All this comes back when I bury my feelings and fears. I've learned that to continue would be deadly. Thanks for listening. Don W