I wanted to start a new post cuz I was on the last one for so long I was afraid I was going to time out. So anyways....
There are other reasons why I won't be going back to NA anytime soon. Money was stolen from me by someone there. Someone introduced me to Kratom. I was offered pain pills, suboxone, and alcohol. It was not a safe environment to get clean in. So disappointing.
Then, my bathroom broke. Water came up out of the toilet and the bathtub and flooded everything. There was inches and inches of water I had to clean up. Man, it was a freakin disaster area in there. I couldn't take a shower or use the toilet for 4 days. And it's still not fixed. Pipes need to be replaced and that costs money. Things are working at the moment, albeit tenuously, but it's better than nothing. And I should be able to get it fixed this coming week. Or the next. But definitely soon. Can't live without a damn bathroom.
My mom and I still aren't getting along. She told me a few weeks ago that I didn't matter. Not to anyone. Gee, thanks mom. After that, I just stopped talking to her for the most part. We only talk now when we have to. My bro went back to Mexico, and my mom is closet drinking again and lying to me about it. It's all just one big ******* disaster.
So, these things and some other stuff I didn't mention just kinda took everything out of me. I went to bed one night, and just never really got back up. And, I started using again. Not much, pain pill wise, but I took a crapload of Xanax. I lost some time there cuz I went really crazy with the xannies and I had been off them for a while and went straight back to my highest dose and then some. I didn't care if I died or not at the time. I just wanted to be gone from reality. So everything is pretty hazy from that time.
But, I am happy to report that I somehow managed to stop the rapid decline I was working on and get sober again. I am currently over two weeks clean off all pills. And I still haven't smoked. I have two and a half months smoke free. Cool beans.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I feel like I may be slowly starting to come out of whatever this is that I've been going through. I hope so. I can't live like this. Isolated, depressed, sad, lonely, angry. Overwhelmed completely. I am so tired. This has been, hands down, the worst, most painful thing I have ever been through. A firsthand tutorial in slow torture. And I just want to be okay. Feel normal. Stop crying. Get out of bed. Live.
I hope everyone is doing well and you are all having a wonderful summer. It is hot as Hades here. 106 degree days. 70 degree nights. Ugh. Too hot for me. It's supposed to cool down tomorrow and rain. God, I hope so.
Sorry this was so long. I guess I had a lot to say. Thank you for 'listening'.
Love you guys.