Dee, thank you
I am so disappointed with myself because I led myself here. I am sad that I did this to myself. Now I have to suffer through this because of the bad choices I made.
I am overweight too, and it's because of me losing control and munching out while high all the time. I was soothing a lot of trauma but I went about it the wrong, hurtful way. I hurt myself more.
I feel I have such a long way to go to be healthy again, and I'm just trying to stay hopeful. I'm thankful for the chance to be healthy, I am feeling overwhelmed by the path ahead. I know I need to change my thinking in order to be successful, but the negative though patterns are SO strong.
I don't want to give up, and I need to believe in myself and that I have the strength I need. About 5 years ago, I watched my mother die from cancer. She didn't try at all to save herself, she totally gave up when she was diagnosed. She was severely depressed all of my life and gave up in so many ways before that. My father lives in a group home, I haven't seen him or talked to him since I was about 8, but I am in touch with his sister. He used drugs and drank, and never moved out of his mother's basement, until she became senile recently, and he was violent.
I am in my early 30's and am already doing a lot better then my examples. I have a good job and my own apartment right outside of a major city, but I still have so much to overcome. I am so afraid to be anything like them and this experience makes me feel like a **** up and shows me how deep my pain really is. I dated an awful man for 10 years, another disappointment to myself, and ended that almost 4 years ago. I know I am making progress, but I need to stay hopeful and believe that I really can be well and am not irreparable.