Glad to hear you're still going strong Jillwink!
Kenton, I hope your hair looks nice?
Poppy, that sounds like a really good way of looking at things!
Hi Nands!
Steely and Dee, hope you're both doing well and will be joining us again soon!
Ugh I have to vent again. This time about my roomie. Well actually not so much about her. But she went out today (in my city it's normal to go out any time of the weekend for example Sunday noon and get pissed and take some pills and dance to techno for 10 hours and then go home to have dinner) and she took some mdma and other stuff. She came home and wouldn't stop talking about how fun and amazing her day was. I guess she's still excited about that kind of stuff cause she's new to the city. But it's the kind of **** I'm trying to get away from. So I feel resentful that I can no longer do the same. Even though I'm doing relatively well in recovery and making great progress and generally feeling much better and happier I still miss knocking myself out with drugs or alcohol. It's so deeply engraved into my brain. Taking the 'easy' way of not having to deal with life. Problem is I wouldn't keep it to one night like my roomie does. As long as I give myself the option it will be my only option.
It's hard to deal with the fact that I can't do this anymore. I'd love to drink a bottle of vodka now before going to bed. Judging by how strange that must sound to most people I think it's quite clear that I'm an alcoholic and that it won't ever be the normal drinking I'll enjoy. For now I'll try to let go of the resentments and remember to take it one day at a time. I never signed any document saying that I will never ever drink again, I just know that it'd get me in trouble cause I'm an alcoholic and that i won't drink tonight.
To top it all off my roomie also went on telling me about her 'alcoholic phase' at uni where she could drink as much as one bottle of wine without puking...
She doesn't know I'm an alcoholic. I just told her I don't drink cause it was making my life too complicated and basically got in the way of doing things cause it was the only thing I was doing. Crazy how direct that is but to someone who doesn't know anything about addiction it doesn't mean anything. She thinks I'm crazy disciplined that I won't even have a drink every once in a while. I told her that if I had a drink with her today, I'd have one on my own the next morning. She didn't get it. Crazy how they just don't get it. So glad that my BF gets it. I just texted him when my roomie came home high, telling me about her 'alcoholic phase' and my resentments towards her and he just understood. Like I'm sure you'll all understand.
Sorry for another vent but it was absolutely necessary to calm down my brain before going to bed. And doing that rather by writing all that stuff down than by chemically altering it.
Thanks for being there! Love to all of you!