Sorry to hear you're struggling Windy.
From an objective perspective, it's clear that the whole trying to white knuckle yourself back into sobriety isn't working. In fact, it sounds quite emotionally draining. I understand that you may be telling yourself that a method of inciting action in the past will certainly work for you again, despite the fact that it isn't at this moment in time. Unfortunately, the progressive nature of addiction takes a toll on willpower. My first real attempt at quitting weed lasted six months, something that I was unbelievably able to begin by detoxing in my crappy college apartment alone. Four months after I relapsed I was even worse than I had been before, and was even more desperate to get clean again. Despite this, getting over the initial hurdle alone wasn't possible for me anymore, and I had to take more aggressive action. A week ago I reached the 2 years clean milestone.
I hear a sense of hopelessness in your post. Believe me Windy, you still have plenty of options left. However, I'm a firm believer that addicts only get sober when continuing to use becomes more painful than getting clean. If it's still easier and less painful for you to continue smoking right now, you probably will, and there's little anybody will be able to do for you to change that. Recovery takes aggressive action to achieve, and given the psychophysiological grip of addiction, it's something people only put themselves through when they're at their wit's end. Are you at your wit's end Windy, or are you comfortable with the idea of continuing to get high for god knows how long? People with addictions are generally very determined individuals. When we want recovery just as bad as we want that next bag, we stop making excuses and start doing whatever it takes. This means rehab and 12 step meetings at first for many, many people, and I think these are things you should consider. If you want to respond to a suggestion like this like you have in the past with an excuse like "I don't know any rehabs/meetings for marijuana", "I tried a meeting once and didn't like it", or "I won't fit in with the other people there", then you're either extremely naive about the recovery community and/or not desperate enough to get clean yet. I know you saw a counselor in the past and that's great and all, but as someone who has gotten clean, has numerous clean friends, is working on a master's degree in the addiction field, and currently works at a rehab, I don't think an hour of talk once a week is going to be enough for you at this point.
I want you to be happy Windy, and it doesn't sound like you're very happy right now. I hate to see this cycle keep on spinning, but at the end of the day, this is your life and not mine. I hope the day you truly decide to turn things around comes sooner rather than later/not at all.