ok ... here goes nothing....
So ... At the request of my therapist, I am having coffee with my dad every morning ... er I'm suppose to, but didn't yesterday. I talk to him and write a letter at the same time. So far I am just updateing him on where my life is now.
I feel really weird about this. In the past I've never done the recommended "letters to your mom/dad/addiction/whatever.... I always found them quite silly and got nothing real out of it. This time is different. I've thought a lot about how I don't really believe in time. I believe everything is happening at once, but because we cannot handle that much data in this form, we experience it in "time" so we can sort it all... "time is just a human construct to experience data". This being so, then my father is here. The past, present an future are all happening in this moment, we just aren't looking at all of it at once. Hence my reference to seeing people "out of the corner of my eye".
I also wanted to mention that I had some bad aphib last night and had to use the walker for about 5 hours after I woke up for the day at noon. I was just really weak and wobbly. I had also ended up sleeping 14 hours.
K asked me to promise I would call the doctor's office and let them know just in case they need to know. The surgery is scheduled, so I think I will probably just have to bear it for a month.
I'm doing ok. I'm just a bit off. I'm feeling a lot of stuff about not being able to connect with people. It's like I'm going through the motions in a little bubble.
Now as soon as I write that, I realize that isn't really true! I fill like that some of the time and I am feeling that way right now, but it is far from all the time. It is just a feeling that is uncomfortable and comes and goes. Most of the day I just go through a full range of emotions and thoughts. I'm just focused on that feeling right now.
My therapist asked me an interesting question and my answer is a mystery to me...
He asked me why couldn't I let go of the pain (I said it was anger, but he said it sure looked like pain). I told him that my pain is what defines me. It tells me who I am.
That means that without my pain I don't know who I am. My practice tells me that is ok, but obviously I have a problem with it.
Well this was sorta deep sht ... sorry about that. I guess I needed to say this out loud to someone who would probably read it and probably care.
It's 4 am here ... I will do something relaxing and try to sleep again.
Love you all and sorry to be such a wet blanket...