giving them terrible side effects such as, horrible panic attacks? Terrible crying bouts? I mean, like terrible crying bouts out of the blue?
Or effects that make life seems really dark? Or make you very angry at the whole world, everything?
I have been going through some of the hardest times I have had clean. I believe now that it is the medication I am taking. I started taking Topamax, about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Medication has always had a much stronger effect on me than others, always, it always took less medication for me to have the same relief or effects as it did a higher amount for someone else.
So knowing this, my doctor, trying to find a med. that would help with both my mood swings ( although NEVER anthing like I have been experiencing ) and with my sleep issues, decided on Topamax, and started me out easy, on 1-25mg the first week, the 2nd week 2-25mgs the 3rd week, 3-25mgs. Well, the first week, on the 1 pill, I had little effects, the 2nd week, on the 2-25's I began to experience some real anger, lots of it, at everyone. I was getting quite mean, and lashing out at everyone. That is about as opposite of me as one could get. (although a little probably did me some good, since I tend to let myself become a door mat at times, well I guess anger isn't the proper response either).. But I did a couple things in public that I am pretty embarrased of. I also had quite a crying/hyperventalating terrible experience while driving, (very fast, with kids in the car so I could get home, I was so afraid I was going to pass out, as I kept blacking out) I had kids, and even a friend of my kids in the car. It was something I hope my kids, and Oh my, their friend NEVER have to see again. I feel SO bad about, although I know at the time I had little control over, although I should have done things differently, but I was not myself, not at all myself. Then, I pretty much cried all that night. Ok, that was pretty much the 2nd week, the 3rd week, so far has been 2 nights, and the first 2 nights I was totally knockeed out completely.. Flat. I can never sleep, so that was in a sense I relief for me, yet, I was way out of control, not a good feeling for me. Too out of control.
Last night, I took my meds early to see if for once I could go to sleep early. Well, I did, my son found me sleeping about 10:30 or so with my head on the desk of the computer, he could ot get me up. My husband yelled at me about 11 or so, and I jumped up, well with my husband, you'd jump too, drugged or not. He told me to get my rear to bed. I did. But I went to bed, lit a cig, and went out like a light. Out cold. WITH a CIG IN MY HANG, up against the blanket. Well, the good lord was watching over me, cuz, I was not waking up, I had it sticking in the blanket, my husband falls asleep sometimes on the couch ( I do also sometimes, when I SLEEP) thank god he came down to bed.
He screamed at me, took the cig out of my hand, put it out, I rolled over, went to sleep, and woke up this morning. I remembered it just fine though.
Today I was sitting here I don't know what time it was for sure around 2 I think? and I was reading some sad posts, (dumb thing to do for me) and I suddenly got this familiar terrible feeling, but i don't know if it's the med or if it's my anxiety. Its a terrible, terrible feeling though. Then my heart began to pound very very fast, and then finally it slowed down, and everything began to get dark slowly. But I did not pass out thank god again. But after that, I was like completely exhausted, totally tired, I had to sleep. I was like half asleep. I was supposed to go to dual diagnosis. My group. I was so upset, because i missed last week, due to not sleeping the night before, and sleeping until it was to late to get to group.
I like that group alot. So I called both of the cousllors and left messages for them to call me, to see if I could still come next week, of if I would be out, because I was going to miss today, there was NO way I could go like that today, and I slept last week. So, one of them called me, I told her what was going on, and I said can I PLEASE come next week?? I said, I have not used, because I haven't, she4 said, " YOU SOUND LIKE YOU"RE LOADED", Oh, I wwas so upset. I have had to defend myself now like 3 times in the last week, I have not used at all. Ya know, that's one thing I did not do, not to my counsellors, not once, I NEVER LIED ONCE to them, NEVER, I didn't feel a reason to?? They aren't dumb. They know me to well. But ya know, I did enough lying through my disease, I really felt they were like "safe people" for me, people I could trust, I did not need to lie to them. I DO understand, I have hurt everyone so much, but I it has been over 5 months, and I am just sick of defending the fact that I am NOT using, and HAVE NOT used, at all, for the whole time since detox. I am really proud of that.
Ok, so I am really off the subject here. My whole point was, has anyone here exerienced these type if really wierd symptoms?
Thanks very much for reading all of this,. I want to say. I don't blame them for questionign me, I hurt them all alot, but it just does hurt to have to constantly have to keep telling them, and swearing that I am not using. I am not using. I am having problems. that's for sure, but not using. This has been really long, and I got off track here, ( oh, real big suprise with me??lol)
Have a great day/night
Love, Becky