[dogman11]

I have been sober going on a year. My marriage is in a mess now, worse than when I was drinking.
I had affairs while I was drinking. I told my wife of one after recovery and she was devestated, I regret what I did and the pain I caused her a great deal.
Here lies the problem. When I told her of the affair, two weeks after I got out of treatment, I really had no choice, it was obvious. Well I was still in a fog so to speak, backed in a corner and confessed, but I lied. I told her it was a one time thing, a one night stand and that it was the only time. She found out later it was a one year long affair with many encounters and I saw this woman daily at work. She seems to be more upset by the lies than the affair and I guess I can understand that.
Well, she has found out about another, but I refuse to discuss it with her. She has ask me if it is true and I have lied repeatedly saying it isn't true and I never had a relationship with the woman, when in fact I did. She doesn't believe me, tells me she doesn't and is ready to leave the relationship because she feels I can never be honest with her.
This is an honesty program, but then there is step 9 which says not to tell if it will do harm. OK, how do I be honest and follow step 9 at the same time. I just want my past to be in the past. She says it isn't the past for her, it is the present and if I can not tell her the truth she will have to end the relationship. I have lied to her about this relationship and she is unaware of several others during our marriage. Do I tell her the truth or maintain the deception in order not to hurt her anymore. Is not telling her the truth hurting her more than the truth would.
I am really confused here, can you all give me some insight. Has anyone else been in this position? It is a mess and I really have to decide what to do soon.