[Wolf_22]

Trish: I might do something like that (meds). I mean, I've been seeing a therapist there for awhile, and I stopped because 1, I felt that he couldn't help me with the problems I have left, and 2, because I felt like I was strong enough to keep truckin' on by myself. I still think I am strong too, but it's just days like this that make me wonder. I mean, it's weird because I go through some days like I'm on top of the world, kickin' but with stuff, and then theres days like today and yesterday where I get down on myself. Personally, I feel that most of it is due to my fear of not ever being able to be with a women and not having that many friends albeit from not "fitting in" with the in-crowd and drinking and being a party freak. Some of these fears I want to blame on my ex because she's made me be paranoid of women with cell phones because I caught her in a lie one night with her phone. I guess it kinda freaked me out or something. Also, I am affraid that I'll never be able to trust any women that I may ever end up with because of little things like trusting her enough to have guy friends, and stuff like that. I think sometimes some of that paranoia is due to a very chaotic, untrusting family life, but also some of it I think is simply from me not knowing what kind of women to "go after". I'm hoping that this will change through time because it's really having serious implications on me as in terms of believing in God and in love. It's tainted almost every aspect of my life, and I hate it because like I said before in my earlier post, I battle these urges to get p.o.'ed at the small things that I see from day to day that bring me down like the couples that I see walking on campus holding hands, and things like girls or guys talking about whatever party they went to the night before and blabbing on about how "plastered" they got. I don't want to be some sort of bitter 30 year old when I grow up, but I'm desperate for something to change in either my outlook or my entire life that will make me see what I have going for me and acknowlege it on a day to day basis therefor eliminating my constant inner turmoil. Inner peace I guess is one of the finest treasures in life besides love, and being without both is very devestating to a kid comming close to graduating college.

Don & Trish: Thanks for your compliment. That makes me feel good, but I just wish I could feel that other people see that in me. I mean, I guess I realize that I'm a good kid, but theres always that constant "noise" in your head that is constantly analyzing you and making your moods shift because of little peculiar, self-opinionated suggestions that constantly run you down about things. I mean, it's kinda ironic thinking about it sometimes because everytime I hear something like that in my mind, it's always either my dad's voice or my older brothers voice, because they were always the most critical of me. I remember nights after basketball games when I played for my highschool's varsity team durring my junior year about how they would get so mad at me because I wouldn't shoot the ball more, or try to dunk a ball on a fast break or something stupid like that. I used to love basketball, but it's been such a long time now since I ever even thought about playing or even just shooting around now because I'm so burnt out on it all.

It's pretty sad when the best memories in your life are only the ones that you vaguely remember of at the age of 5-6 years old. I remember days where my mom and dad would have people over for baumfires and pool parties. Now, we're lucky to spend Christmas together, and when I say together, I mean my grandmother, grandfather, and my sister and her husband and I. This is great, don't get me wrong, but thats only about a third of our family. I've been considering writing my mother and father a "hate" mail because I'm sooo furious at the life they've paved for me. I mean, if it wasn't for my grandmother (who's paying my tuition, apartment payment, and varrying other things), I would've killed myself a long time ago. If I believed in a God, I would've thanked him/she/it every night for her being in my life. Sometimes I even cry at night because I just happen to wonder where I'd be without her.

If I ever get out of this "whatever" I'm in, I know I'll amount to something. I have so many talents with graphics designing and web development that I know I could amount to something if I just found the right people to work for, but I fear that I will lose my chance at something like this if I keep falling into this "rut" where I worry myself to death about being able to find a women and maybe have a family someday with friends and stuff, and always feeling like theres someone out there that I need to punch or something for the way I think about the world. I blame my mother in so many ways for my lack of socializing because of my anti-thoughts on alchohol. I mean, it should be okay to maybe have a few beers of something MINIMAL with a buddy or lover or whatever every now and then, but because of her, I constantly look down on those who drink, and even make strides to stay away from people that drink... And you know what? That kind of mentality is detrimental to a college kids social life. I try to see it as a blessing in discuise though because I play it off like I just always use the time for homework and whatnot, but most of the time I'm usually at home feeling sad and lonely because theres always some people out there that I could be having fun with, but can't because I'm too affraid that there will be boo's there.

I'm sorry for typing so much, but theres just sooo many things floating around upstairs like this that sooner or later just makes me feel better to release. I just wish that there was some sort of way for me to feel that theres hope for me and my life of needing a love life as well as a social life, because I DO need these things, but I can't get them until I change some wiring in my circuitry I think. I guess thats why I'm here blabbin'. HA.