A friend of mine came over last night, and we talked a long time about love, relationships, and the like. I felt really appreciative of her too because she made me feel a little better because durring that day (and Sunday) I have felt really bad and down.
It's hard being on your own in college and being away from your family when you don't really have a typical family life and when you don't drink. I myself have been around the ben with my alchoholic family life, and I think I'm starting to finally realize the affects of it now that I'm 22 and having a horrible time coping with various things in my life such as not speaking to either parents in over 2-3 years, being single, and always feeling this horrible emptyness and depression almost everyday. I can't really remember a time where I felt I was trully happy, and although my life (as far as materialistic things are concerned) is good, I still can't help but to feel this feeling inside me all the time that is like I'm expecting something bad to happen. Maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's depression, but whatever it is, it isn't always in effect, but most of the time. When it isn't in effect though, I have beautiful days that couldn't be any better. I see the bluest of clouds, hear the most wonderful birds singing, and feel the freshest air brush up against my face. When it is in effect though, I see nothing but horrible things.
Although I'm excelling in things like my internship with making webpages, and school, I am horrible at being me in public. I feel that I am someone that has to be someone else when I'm in front of someone I don't know, or in front of someone I am attracted to. Do you think theres a chance for somone like me in this world? I'm deadly serious and the reason I'm asking is because this weekend I've felt so hopeless with things. With women, family, and everything it seems. I feel like I'm a great kid that has tons of stuff going for him, but I feel that no one really see's that sometimes. Everyday I try as hard as possible to be helpful with co-workers, do the best I can in school, and try to be loving to the family that I still have, and it just seems like no one really cares.
Take my sister for example... She hasn't called me once since I moved into my apartment about a year and a half ago. Is it normal for me to be angry at her because of this? I feel it is when I would always be over at her house before I moved and trying to help with various things around her house when I was there. I dunno. I mean, she has her first kid, and she's also building her first house working over 40 hours a week, so I know thats got something to do with it, but it's so hard keeping that mentality for more than a year of not hearing a single thing from her... And my parents? I haven't talked to them in over 2 years, my mother being over 2.5 almost. Since I've seen a therapist, under his advisement, he directed me not to communicate with them unless I felt I had to because of they're "issues". My dad was suspected of being a weed smoker, and being someone around town that would ask my older brothers and sisters friends sex for money, and my mother, well, let's just say that it's unusual to catch her NOT DRUNK.
Look, I'm really not trying to come here and pry up a pitty party session because I do get bad about that sometimes, and it's something I'm trying to break... But I can't keep these things inside me because it's just too much to bare. My relationship issues may never get solved because I don't really have anyone other than my grandmother of 70 sumthin' years old to look to for examples because my mother and father were never good at relationships. Every step I take in my life towards making friends, lovers, and academics feels awkward because I've come the farthest in my family, and it's just so damn sad sometimes because it makes me feel so alone and scared. It really is a challenge for me from day to day. It's kinda funny too because my older brother has never really even had his own place because he's been pretty messed up from our homelife, but yet he NEVER has any problems whatsoever getting a girlfriend or friends (he drinks and hardly ever talks about downing things compared to me). It's like people want people as friends that don't talk about stuff like this, and I just don't see how people keep these things in like they do, because I can't, and I think thats the reason why I don't have a girlfriend or very many friends.
I met someone the other day that had a friend that was supposedly interested in me. I'm going to make a big leap and try to take her out sometime this week. I'm terrified of doing this, but I'm going to anyways because I have to make myself realize that not everyone is like my ex-girlfriend, and that just maybe she could be a great girl to be with. I just hope that I can learn how to be friends with her first because this girl is pretty attractive (which is yet another thing I've been trying to work on).