[wonderlandchild]

March 16th at 10pm at night.. odd how you can remember the exact time. My mother called me. My brother, Matthew, lived in Delaware and I haven't seen him for a while. He had been in a car accident. A really bad one. I think I knew then that he would die. I dont remember much else about that night except for getting numerous phone calls.. and then the final one. That he had a brain anuyerism and that I might want to say goodbye. I was 5 months pregnant and after hours of crying and debating finally convinced my father it was ok for me to fly and that yes I did need my husband there with me.
We got to Philladelphia (the top brain something or another of the usa I think.. I dont remember) It was about 9 in the morning. I remember on the plane looking at my husband and saying "We are having a son and his name will be Matthew".. we hadn't found the sex out yet.
We got to the hospital and my other brother, my mother (who was a shell of herself) my father and myself went into the room to be with my brother. I have yet, for 6 months now described what I saw...
They had shaved his head bald to stick wires into his skull to releave the pressure. He was cut up and bruised from the car accident and his hands were cut. There was dried blood all over him and...
And he wasn't my brother. They told us he could hear him and I begged him to come out of this coma they had done to him and watch his neices grow up. I have a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old and our 5 yr old was his life. She meant everything to him and vice versa. I apologized for not having sent the pictures and emails and videotapes I had intended to. I held his hand and cried on his arm and begged him because I needed him. M mother needed him. He was only 26 years old and it was too soon.
I told him if I had a son that it would bear his name. That it would bear his name reguardless of what happened. That he had to be there with me and hold this new baby like he did my other 2 daughters and my other brothers son. For hours we would just go in and sit with him and talk to him and cry for him. My brother asked if he could open matts eyes and look into them. He said from that moment he knew matt wasnt there.
My mother sat and just stared at his drivers liscence. Asking over and over "Why? My angel why?" My husband stayed in the shadows and was there for support. My father was his usual arrogant self and his wife was... his wife. Matts girlfriend was there. They were supossed to go to the beach that weekend.
My family made me fly home the next morning. I didn't sleep for a week. I didn't eat for months. When I got home I got into my bed and got Audrey beside me. She had been asking for days why I was crying, who had hurt me. I told her that I was sad, that her Uncle Matt's body broke. That he was dead and he couldnt play with her anymore.
At that moment I realized I was the first person in her life to break her heart. I had given her the news that made her cry and cry.
The funeral was quick, but we were surprised that almost 400 people had shown up. The prosession to the grave site was almost 1 mile long and police escorted. I never realized how many people loved my brother.
6 months later: I have come to terms but not fully accepted his death. His tombstone was delivered 2 days ago. We went to his grave on his birthday and took balloons and cupcakes. It's pretty depressing singing happy birthday to a grave tho. I still struggle with this and this is the 1st time I have relived this since it's happened. I miss Matt. And 2 days after he died I found out I was goin to have a boy. July 27th I gave birth to Matthew Thomas and was never prouder.
COmfort comes knowing that Matt was truly happy with his life. He had backpacked across Europe. Hehad truly loved and been loved in his life. He was in a job that he adored. He was the most grounded, happy, experienced 26 yr old you would have ever met.
And ever since Matt was 15 yrs old he had wanted to donate his organs. We found out that everything he had was harvested and used. My mother talks to the heart recipient. We've gotten letters from the liver, kidney, and cornea recipients as well.
That still doesnt make it easy. But my brother had a very passive and wise nature. He was very religious and if we had a problem he took a very wise road....
As the bEatles would say.. and I'm sure Matt would....
Let it be