[Chance]

I started to write this a while back and just thought that I would share some of it here tonight since I can not sleep if you have to get rid of it then OH Well

My name is Vic W and I am an alcoholic of various types and constantly live in a world of denial. The reason I say this is because I continue to relapse on alcohol and drugs. Or maybe its because I haven't made a commitment. The only thing different I pray is that I have made a commitment this time.

We who have relapsed and continue to do the same thing expecting different results are a different type of alcoholic/addict. We are human beings who's minds are in the last stages of living. We are the ones who have all the attentions of doing the right thing but we are controled by impulsive thinking and compulsive action. We are people in the gripps of death or locked up. We are people who whould rather help others than help ourselves. We are doomed unless we do things different. We have decided to take the bull by the horns and come hell or high water hang on until the light comes again. This is the experience that we have had and hope that this will help others who are having a hard time staying clean and sober.

Why after a few weeks, months, or even years of continuing sobriety do we pick up and expect that it won't be the same as it always has been. But actually it's not the same, each time it just gets worse and worse and each time it gets harder and harder to put together anytime at all. What makes us do the same thing time after time? What are we thinking? Or are we even thinking? Is it the impulsive thinking and the automatic compulsive action that does us in each time. Is it that our brains have been so damaged that its not able to be repaired?

We know from experience that it does get better in time. We have heard it all over the rooms of recovery programs, but it doesn't work for all people. Is it that they really don't want to recover? I don't really believe that at all. I know that I myself really do want to recover. Maybe I'm not putting my best effort into the program or maybe it's because I have lost all hope. It really doesn't matter why. Is it that we must recover or die? That's what we hope is that you are about to read will help raise the percentage of the recovery rate.

One of the most critical areas for us is to avoid people that we know have or are using. This is extrememly hard to do for a lot of reasons but one of the problems is that they always catch you when you think that you have it all figured out. I will give you an example.

I was sober and clean for 1 year and 10 months and 27 days when a person was at my house and mentioned that they just wanted one. Just ONE!!! I said go ahead and they took the necessary steps to get that one. When they had failed to come threw I said that I will show you how to do this and went out searching ( but didn't have to seach long). During the drive from my place to place the thought came to my mind that I should call my sponsor and the thought to pray but the ball was already rolling.

Or was it that I just wanted that experience with this certain person rather than keeping my sobriety? Whatever the reason wither it be sex for hours or whatever was it worth loosing that time to have to start over? That is the question I should have asked myself before not after. But I already was set up with the impulsive thinking then came the compulsive action. A lot of thing could have been different but it happened just the way it was suppose to. I know I truely believe that nothing happens in Gods world by mistake.

The book talks about that "Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. I truely believe this and the reason I say this is because if there is a Gods world there also has to be an evil world and we are free agents to live in the world we choose. The only thing is that if we don't commit to one world we will end up being lost or dead in the other world. Now when we think of it that way does it change how we will percieve it. NO because our brains are shot. How then do we break this visious cycle who takes most of us to the gates of insanity or death?

...................I will go ahead with more unless it is not allowed..................