I gave up on these forums a long time ago. I spent many years going to alanon - but not into 12 step anymore . . . I find that I only want these forums when there is a crisis going on . . . BUT . . . I do not wish to take a "victim" stance - I most just want to "report" and "process" what is going on - to come to acceptance so I can cope.
I have taken the role of "rescuer" in the past - when it appeared that things were going to get better - the pattern had not developed yet.
My relative is young (under 25) and has been in and out of treatment and facilities since he was 18ish.
It has been a nightmare for the entire family, as all of you probably know and understand. It is tremendously stressful to have alcoholic(s), addict(s) in a family.
Part of what I want to do is vent at alcoholics/addicts
- I am deliberately not an alcoholic/addict, because I care about my affect on other people. I actually take that into account in my daily living. I have been failing myself, in that respect, because I have become very grouchy and unpleasant . . . I have been recovering myself from all of the stress of the last few years. The alcoholic had been sober since last year at this time (just relapsed at the nearly one year mark).
I can always sense in my body when things are not going well with my relative and I become anxious - and anxiety is exhausting.
Right now the relative is on a bender and no one knows where he is . . . so the stress of "not knowing" is eating up a lot of energy - just the suspense of it all: "WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?" - It's just crazy - we're all on pins and needles to see what he is going to do next! (This is why I feel like a victim because I can't figure out how not to wonder or care).
He has shown up on my doorstep many times, so I am not in touch with him - not calling or texting, even though I heard he is threatening suicide (which really pisses me off) . . . I believe that each person is responsible for their own life - I can't "save" anyone (he has thanked me for "saving" him a couple of times, and I don't believe that is true. I think I played a role in assisting him, but I think he and higher powers "saved" him . . .
I do not wish to take him in this time and hope he stays away.
One of the things I check is FB to see when he logs in (because this is a way to tell if he's dead or alive).
You have to understand that up until a few days ago, he was part of the family and we all had good, positive interactions with him - and now this - so it's hard to process it all.
He is not going to work - so I assume will be fired if not already. It's just crazy.
He told his ex-girlfriend that he couldn't kill himself and would have to die passively (I guess through drinking). Obviously, people who drink alcoholically are self-destructive, but to have dying of alcoholism as a game plan is just beyond the pale. It really makes me angry, and the anger helps me detach. I have a belief that "we're all here for a reason," even if we don't know what the reason is - so "act as if" there IS a reason - and respect your life and your health.
Don't take a perfectly healthy body and destroy it! That is so disrespectful. It sickens me to the core. This I feel is morally wrong - even evil. It makes me hate the person for doing this (the same emotions I feel when I see people hurting animals or children). It's just wrong - so when I think about this, I realize the alcoholic/addict is really my enemy - I don't want self-destructive, crazy people in my life.
I want to live a life of peace and joy with people who respect themselves and nature.
I love this person, AND cannot witness or hear about self-destruction. I feel trapped by my love of this person . . . I don't understand what is happening, or why. I will never understand WHY someone would choose to hurt themselves and others - and it is a choice - it's not like it's a "mistake" - it's a deliberate choice to walk into a liquor store and buy booze when you know what will happen. It's a choice to not call your sponsor or not attend meetings - and you're basically saying F - You to all of the people who have been cheering for your sobriety and health - we see you don't REALLY care about anything other than numbing yourself, even after you've learned everything about alcoholism and how to address it. The choice to drink is not a "mistake." And once the choice to drink has been made, it's also a choice to continue, instead of saying "oops - I made a mistake, I better call my sponsor or get to a meeting."
End of rant for right now.