[angelgirl]

Hi, I feel like I am losing it.
I am afraid of everything, and nothing feels real.. I go through this to often, especially when I don't feel well physically.
I know alot of my fears are that I am dying.. I fear I have cancer or something, and I am going to have some drawn out suffering death.. Which, I don't even know if I fear this so much for me, but I fear it sooo much for my kids.
I know this all stems from what happened with my mom.. She died so young, and so fast, and I suffered so much when she died, and I still do.. It's difficult living my life without her.. I miss her so much, and when I get this feeling, like I have been feeling for the last few days, this depression, if my mom pops into my head, myheart honestly feels like it is breaking. Really breaking. I miss her so, and it was all so unfair for her, she lost out so much..
I know others die younger and other people are suffering, and there was the hurricane and it was all so terrible, but none of that stops my heart from breaking when I feel this way, and I think of her.
I am sooooo tired of living like this.. I really, really am. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldnt be living by now, that I know. But I can not do that to them, and have them feel the pain I feel about my mom.
I am an adult, and my moms death should not ruin my life, that's probably what some feel, and that maybe true. But it doesn't matter, it is what it is, and my heart is breaking..
I am trying so hard to straighten up my life, so my kids can have a normal life, and so I can have a normal life. There is a normal, and this is not it.. I want them to have a better life, so I am trying veryhard to change my life.
Sometimes I feel so stuck.. I try to just pick myself up, and kick myself in the rear and say STOP THIS!! but ya know, it seems to come back to this same feeling.. Not all the time, but often. Maybe it's getting better..Not sure. I do need to journal better.
Anyway, I posted here about having this "body jerk". This is what is starting all of these feeling again this time I think. I get insecure, I feel like something must be really wrong, I just know if I go to the doctor, they are going to find something terrible, and my poor kids will suffer. I just am no0t dealing very well.....
You may say I am jumping to conclusions. I maybe, but it's a feeling I get, whenever I don't feel good.. I am trying to talk sense into my head, my mom pops in my head...

Well thanks for listening. I really needed to say these things tonight.
Thanks,
Love, Becky