[bikewench]

I've had another epiphany ....

I went for another shopping trip with my daughter yesturda... and for the two hours we were in the car... she talked non stop about her new apt...and how excited she was...

.. and I just wanted to cry....
Not only because part of me feels like I'm going to lose her... (because I won't.... she's gonna be living in town... and you think I'd be over the moon about that....).. but because I've been caught up in another crying jag...


Talk about feeling out of control...
I have huge issues about people leaving me because I'm a bad person and I drive them away...


So.. as always... when I feel out of control.. I look for why...

I am much relieved to say.. this morning I know I'm not a bad person.. but that yes.. .. my behavior was probably driving people away because depression and the resulting craziness is a very hard thing to be around for another person...

I now understand why I always have that "driven" feeling...
and that .. inspite of how well and perfect I have my life running... these things keep coming out of the darkness at me... unbidden...


I can thank my amygdala for that...
It's the storage and the dispensor of the trauma in my life...
It seems.. and this feels right to me... that when a traumatic event happens in one's life... the whole thing is imprinted in our little gray bean up there... and when a situation in real life brings up stress or loss or whatever... the little gray bean will send out it's own little memories.. which will then illicit emotional responses that are more extreme than the reality would bring forth...


Shame and fear are stored there....

And I see now how much shame I carry... and how the carrying forth of it is ruining my life... making me feel ungrounded and anxious...

Being able to .. again... step back and see myself and my sickness has been a peak moment for me last night...

I understand what drives me now... and it isn't that I am just a bad person.. a mistake....



I've internalized the trauma in my life... and it will never go away... or that's what my research has said...
Doesn't matter anyway... cause I'm aware now...
I will learn to differentiate between what is "today" stuff... and what is contributing stuff from my gray bean that is being triggered...

I can't begin to say what a relief it is to understand finally in my soul that I am not a bad person...
... that I'm just processing bad shyte...



And a coupla realizations on that as well...
I know that part of my depression is grieving that I was never allowed.. and then later suppressed...
But.. my tears are slowing down... and the down feeling is less and less... and now that I understand what is driving me... I feel wayyyy less impacted by it's presence.


I feel way better today...

And I won't allow my mother to shame me anymore....
I will deflect her comments... her looks... her thing...

I couldn't have got to today without Sober Recovery...
Feeling the unconditional love and support on this board and the unbelievable weath of knowledge and experience..
Well.. it's huge..


Blessings on all..