[2stop]

I have dealt with depression so long in my life....I usually overcome it, at least for a little while. But lately...I don't know....I feel as though I have done everything possible, I have had faith longer than I ever thought I could, quit drugs, faced every fear I could face to face.

But I am soooo tired. I take Zoloft. I helps to a point. But it's as though this time, this depression..it isn't chemical, it may be partly situational, but not wholly..I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain. I have been going to pain management. A few steroid injections have a couple spots of severe pain, but not most of it. The dopc is an idiot. My family doc says she will send me to another pain management clinic. One problem. It's 30 miles away. I can't drive and there is no one to take me. I used to drive...I loved it! Except the panic attacks. I had to stop or risk blacking out and wrecking.

I can't work...I am trying to babysit 3 kids right now, ina dditon to my own two...At night I sit and cry in so much pain and stress.

I have been through worse depressions for sure. But it seems to me that it will NEVER get better..as in not perfect..but as in bearable..able to be independent and get done what I need to.

I wil never be a burden to my family. I won't be so fully dependent on others. Maybe I am just being stupid...or just selfish. I try and not think of my pain or my problems...but the problem is ME! I am the one who can't function!

Another part of me isn't even angry at all.................I just accept that I am not ever going to be alright..and I wish I could just lay down and die...I fantasize about it some..but I have two kids..I would never do that to them! ever! But then I pray for an accident to take me...My God! That is sick! I don't want to die!! I want to live more than anyone has ever believed me in my life.

I am so tired though.....so tired. The doctor says she thinks I have fibromyalgia and myofacial pain, I have arthritis in my back and bursitis in my hip and shoulder, I have a staph infection on my chest and my shoulder, I can't afford the medicines to treat it all! They told me I had a fracture in my back...now they can't find it! But the MRI shows bulging disc with spondyliosis(sp?)one doc said that meant a fracture..I don't know anymore..I know I hurt so bad....so bad I sit and just sob when no one is home.I can barely afford the Zoloft I take. My insurance covers no prescriptions, at all. Every day I feel like I am dying...I keep fighting on..but I do wonder how long can I fight? How long can I pray and have faith before i can take no more???

I gues my marriage being on the rocks is to be expected....maybe I am a miserable person to be with!! I honestly don't know anymore..I thought I was doing pretty good. I know one thing if this pain doesn't stop I will have to take something stronger than what I do now....a narcotic. I don't want to live that way again though...so I basically feel screwed no matter what I do. I do yoga stretches, I swim, I meditate...try and eat healthy........nothing works. I think I am really dying and my doctors just don't know it yet or won't tell me...

sorry for the rant and self pity...just needed a good vent I guess..I miss you guys...just too tired half the time to post.