Hi tassle, and welcome to SR!
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Originally Posted by tassle what's your relationship like with 'unrecovering' parents during your recovery? Do/did you maintain a relationhship as whatever it can be, or drift away from them silently, or communicate directly with them what you've learned about yourself in some form? And what's it been like? |
My relationships with human beings in general, and my parents specifically, have improved as my recovery deepens and I grow.
Both of my alcoholic/addict parents have stopped using, but I can't say they're in any sort of recovery. Truth be told, whether they are in recovery or not has ceased to be what I consider my business.
After my mom stopped using and attended meetings (her "court-ordered sobriety" period...), she continued to live with her active addict boyfriend. One of the hardest calls I've ever had to make was the one in which I expressed to her that I would not be at her home for T'giving dinner... for the 1st time in our lives. I didn't make the boundary about him, her, or what either of them was doing. I made the boundary about me: "I'm not going to be there because I'm not comfortable in certain situations that will most likely come up at the house. It's not about you or him. It's just that I'm not willing to be someplace where, historically, I'm not able to maintain my serenity. I love you, and I hope you'll be ok with me taking care of myself in this way..." Notice all the "I" statements.
As fearful as I was as to what her reaction would be (boy, can I project!), she told me she understood and all turned out well.
Had I confronted her about her behaviors and choices, I'm fairly certain she would have perceived it as an attack and the outcome would have been greatly different. It's simply not my job to try to break through anyone else's denial.
So, I nurture the relationships because I value them. I also understand that I can't get bread at the hardware store (thank you, Al-Anon!), so I have to let go of what I
want those people to be and accept them
as they are. Mom's never gonna be just Mom, 'cos--using or not--she'll always be an addict. I have to meet her where she is, and today that's where she is. That, for me, is a show of unconditional love.
Peace...