[danicam24]

My name is Danielle. I have a opiate addition. Here's my story : I am a single mother of a beautiful 16 month old. ( thats why I need to get clean) I live with my grandfather who also just recently
pasased away on JAnuary 19, 2005. That was and still is very hard for me. (hence some of my drug addition) My nephew and godson Nathan was born January 22 2005. The first time I saw Nathan was when I walked in my living room the day of my grandfathers funeral, Icouldn't have been having a worst day ever. I looked over and there was my baby Nathan just home from the hospital. My body just felt so much joy and happiness. I felt like Nathan was a gift from Grampy to me. He knows my love for babies. He knew just what I needed in my
life at the time to help me cope with his death. My grandfather had been my first death. I had no idea how it felt to loose someone so important to me. I took care of him daily. The day of his funeral I just sat and held Nathan for hours and hours thinking "what am I doing high right now.. " But I still had pain. Pain even Nathan or my baby couldn't take away from me. I just didn't want to feel. And still dont. I was left to live in his house with my daughter and without him. I have no $ to move anywhere. No job, no-one to babysit. I can stay at least until the house is sold in 2 more weeks. Needless to say, I was so lonly living in this big house alone, Grampys room wasn't being used at all. I had my brother Jeff, JoAnne and Nathan move in with Bella and I. I thought it would help me cope with my grandfathers death, just to have company and a brand new baby to boost. JoAnne and Nathan were having
problems nursing. I stayed up around the clock with them. (still using)???? Nathan nursed and I pumped JoAnne on the oppisite side to boost her milk supply. Imagine how close we are for that. Ther is no one in the world I would do that for besides my own nephew and godson. We are Godmothers of each others babies. You can only imagine all the plans
we have together with the kids. Camping Trips all paid for...........................Then one morning I woke up to a crazy crazy
phone call saying Jeff and JoAnne and Nathan was in an E. R. Nathan was dead and Jeff had tried CPR over and over and over again. It was not true, It couldnt be true. There was no way. He was my little gift from Grampy. He was born 2 days after my grandfathers passing. I got to the hospital faster than I ever got anywhere. really fast....I walked in the door of the E. R. >>>I saw JoAnne holding my little Nathan wrapped up swaddeled in a white blanket. Rocking him. He was already gone. I just held him and cried and cried and cried. We held Nathan for hours and hours. We had a priest
come in and baptise Nathan. I couldnt belive this. He is He's gone gone forever???? I had just come to terms on accepting my grandfathers death~ but Nathan how he's a baby, not even 3 months old. Grampy lived a full happy life. Nathan will never sit up, laugh, run or play with Bella. How can I ever accept that. I just cant accept a babies death never mind my own nephew. Now Jeff and JoAnne are gone, moved out of the house. I'm left to deal with both deaths all by my self. (more and more drug use) JoAnne barley answers my phone calls. She wont see me. I feel like she hates me right now. They want nothing to do with me right now because I have my baby and they don't. Its not fair. I don't understand god and why why why>>>>>>>>>>I really love both of them and I need them now. No
one loves Nathan more than myself. My heart is in eaqual pain. We need eachother to get through this and they are not there for me at all. I feel like I have lost everybody. I have never been so alone. And no matter how much drugs I do I'm still taking care of my baby. Its come to a point where I have weaned off a little, just enough not to be sick. I can't afford to be sick. What will happen to my baby. But I can't go on like this. In reality I have not dult with either death. And I'm very afraid of my feelings and emotions. I need to get off. I want to get off.. This is not the life I want. My body is just really sad. REALLY REALLY SAD!! ( even on the drugs.) What do I do? Please help. Thank you for listing.I don't have many people to talk to or help me. It's hard to tell people you have a drug addition when you have a baby involved too. She's all I have. I went to a meetin yesterday, and they were talking about rock bottom. I havent hit it yet and I don't want to. Please help me.... This is the first time I have really spoken (or typed my thoughts) but this looks like a good place to start.
Thanks again for listining to me
Danielle



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