SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - First post

tassle · 07-24-2005, 10:49 PM

I'll keep this short as I can, and I'd appreciate any experience or insight you might share as I accelerate this journey I'm on.

In a nutshell, I'm a married man with 2 kids, approaching 40, and my marriage is in serious trouble. ACoA issues are at the root of it. My dad's an alcoholic - since before I was born and despite consequences as severe as a week in jail and a month in court-ordered residential rehab a few years ago, he has no intention of quitting. He's in his early 70s now, and I believe it's very likely he'll drink till the end. Mom's a nondrinker, classic codependent situation, never left him and still hopes he'll change, and I've learned from that family all the classic ACOA traits - I act as if I don't know who I really am, am passive/reactive/people-pleasing, over-intellectualize and am not able to trust my own feelings & judgement, hyper-attentive to others' needs, and so on.

My wife, though we were at similar spaces as far as self esteem and etc. when we met, has grown and matured in lots of great ways, and continues to - she's finally reached the point where she is tired of my not changing (despite my best intentions, I am a master of minimizing problems and have made incremental changes but not nearly enough to bridge the distance) and is losing hope for the marriage. Since she expressed that clearly enough even for me to hear it

, a week or two ago, I and we have made some adjustments and things feel stable for me to focus on my individual recovery, whether or not our marriage ever recovers and lasts. I began seeing a therapist who I think has the right experience and skills to help; I've given my wife the bedroom and am planning to shift things around in the house to claim a private space of my own as well - moving the kids into one room - so I can have a high-quality space of my own to serve my recovery (it won't happen with me living in the basement, or at least not as fast); I've been attending ACOA meetings again this past six months, ordered a pile of books, and found this site over the weekend.

so that's enough of the present day snapshot. two or things I'm working on facing, that I would really love to hear your experiences or resources about:
1) I'm intending to visit my folks in a couple of weeks, and am preparing myself to deliver the big intervention message - dad's drinking and mom's tolerating it has messed up my life in many ways, including my relationshipability with my wife, and I'm not going to have any more contact with him (them?) while he's still drinking; I'm going to finally focus on healing my basic wound, and need to declare myself outside of that system to do it.

2) I'm embarking on the self-discovery trail, to figure out who I really am and how and who I want to be. That's both very exciting and very scary, as it's very uncertain. My fundamental lack of self-confidence, along with a host of other issues, has kept me from consistently being at my best, and my wife's realization that she wasn't going to let me ruin her life by sticking around the way my mom did dad has helped me realize just how bad it really is. She has grown much more than me in the years we've been married, and I'm more or less a third child to her.

So that's my situation - we're together in the same house, but no longer so intimate (i.e., no sexual relationship, lots more distance than in past), and focused not on working 'it' out necessarily, but on setting up our situation to encourage each of our individual growth to happen, while we continue to raise the kids and manage the household responsibilities. It could be tons worse, and I'm feeling encouraged by the change in how it feels between us now that we're addressing it, but I expect I'll be facing significant pain and confusion in the coming months at least. Any reactions, from those further on up the road? either on how to claim self and self confidence away from the past patterns, or on the prospective trip to parents to let them know that the consequences of their life for me are not so happy as they've probably seemed.

Thanks for listening.

07-24-2005, 10:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
tassle Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: State of Uncertainty Posts: 5	First post - couple of major issues I'll keep this short as I can, and I'd appreciate any experience or insight you might share as I accelerate this journey I'm on. In a nutshell, I'm a married man with 2 kids, approaching 40, and my marriage is in serious trouble. ACoA issues are at the root of it. My dad's an alcoholic - since before I was born and despite consequences as severe as a week in jail and a month in court-ordered residential rehab a few years ago, he has no intention of quitting. He's in his early 70s now, and I believe it's very likely he'll drink till the end. Mom's a nondrinker, classic codependent situation, never left him and still hopes he'll change, and I've learned from that family all the classic ACOA traits - I act as if I don't know who I really am, am passive/reactive/people-pleasing, over-intellectualize and am not able to trust my own feelings & judgement, hyper-attentive to others' needs, and so on. My wife, though we were at similar spaces as far as self esteem and etc. when we met, has grown and matured in lots of great ways, and continues to - she's finally reached the point where she is tired of my not changing (despite my best intentions, I am a master of minimizing problems and have made incremental changes but not nearly enough to bridge the distance) and is losing hope for the marriage. Since she expressed that clearly enough even for me to hear it , a week or two ago, I and we have made some adjustments and things feel stable for me to focus on my individual recovery, whether or not our marriage ever recovers and lasts. I began seeing a therapist who I think has the right experience and skills to help; I've given my wife the bedroom and am planning to shift things around in the house to claim a private space of my own as well - moving the kids into one room - so I can have a high-quality space of my own to serve my recovery (it won't happen with me living in the basement, or at least not as fast); I've been attending ACOA meetings again this past six months, ordered a pile of books, and found this site over the weekend. so that's enough of the present day snapshot. two or things I'm working on facing, that I would really love to hear your experiences or resources about: 1) I'm intending to visit my folks in a couple of weeks, and am preparing myself to deliver the big intervention message - dad's drinking and mom's tolerating it has messed up my life in many ways, including my relationshipability with my wife, and I'm not going to have any more contact with him (them?) while he's still drinking; I'm going to finally focus on healing my basic wound, and need to declare myself outside of that system to do it. 2) I'm embarking on the self-discovery trail, to figure out who I really am and how and who I want to be. That's both very exciting and very scary, as it's very uncertain. My fundamental lack of self-confidence, along with a host of other issues, has kept me from consistently being at my best, and my wife's realization that she wasn't going to let me ruin her life by sticking around the way my mom did dad has helped me realize just how bad it really is. She has grown much more than me in the years we've been married, and I'm more or less a third child to her. So that's my situation - we're together in the same house, but no longer so intimate (i.e., no sexual relationship, lots more distance than in past), and focused not on working 'it' out necessarily, but on setting up our situation to encourage each of our individual growth to happen, while we continue to raise the kids and manage the household responsibilities. It could be tons worse, and I'm feeling encouraged by the change in how it feels between us now that we're addressing it, but I expect I'll be facing significant pain and confusion in the coming months at least. Any reactions, from those further on up the road? either on how to claim self and self confidence away from the past patterns, or on the prospective trip to parents to let them know that the consequences of their life for me are not so happy as they've probably seemed. Thanks for listening.