[still_me]

I haven't been here and read much in several months. I'm just drowning here slowly. not sure why i'm coming here cause i know there is nothing anyone can do but me.

I have been labeled many things but the only one I completey agree with is the ptsd. All the other labels I don't have a clue. I have a history since i was a teen to go thru these very distructive periods in my life. I don't mean too, they just happen. I was clean and sober for yrs but am not any longer. I also now am bouncing around emotionally and the self hate talk has returned. It is not hearing voices but it is my own voice that tells me what a piece of **** I am and so on. It is all part of the cycle but I don't want to do this anymore. I'm back on taking lithium and have been for about 2 months again. I thought i was feeling better but it only took a bit of stress to feel bad again. I honestly don't know if i'm bipolar even. I dont' know if I'm anything other than weak. I'm tired of the cycle. I thought it was gone. I realy did. I stayed home most the time but i was alive and didn't feel the demons. Now they are back. of course they are me though. I just really would like some quiet time. Some time where my head isn't saying horrible things to me day and night. I don't know why i'm writing this. I guess just to get it out there. I'm just tired. I don't want to talk to my dr about this. I don't want her to know how bad it's getting. I just need some quiet.