[peplepew]

I just don't know how much longer I can take it. It's the one thing that throws me into a depressive episode like no other. I got a DWI about six months after I got a divorce and lost my drivers license for a year because it was my second one in ten years. It has thrust me into isolation for almost a year now since I live in the country and I just want to scream. Actually I do often. I can drive to work and school and that's it so I have no social life essentially. I keep having these bouts of believing I will be like this forever. I would rather die. i have been getting drunk to some degree or another every night for almost three weeks now because I can't handle being alone.

The worst thing is not having a mate and not being able to do much about it. I miss everything about being intimate with a woman. I mean intimate in every sense of the word not just physically. I miss sharing my private thoughts. I miss making a woman smile. I miss holding a woman's hand. I miss a female voice. I miss the pinnacle of a relationship in the bedroom. I miss it all so much I could die.

I drank a bottle of wine earlier today and don't have any more now I'm thinking about risking it all and driving to the bar just to have a few drinks and talk to some people. I beg the question, is that unreasonable? I just have to escape. I'm not an alcoholic although I do abuse it. I just don't know what else to do. I am so trapped by this void in my life.

After ten years of periodically taking antidepressants I was finally diagnosed as bipolar II a few months ago. Taking mood stabilizers has helped tremendously but I still go off the deep end when being alone for the rest of my life enters my mind. I go bonkers when I see an attractive woman, my heart skips a beat or something maybe I get a shot of addreneline. Even moreso when I'm reminded of physical intimacy. This really sucks and there isn't much I can do about it. I think the bipolar wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have this need to deal with. Is this rare for a person to feel like this?? Do I qualify as codependant or something for not being able to cope with being alone? Am I obsessive? Maybe it's a biological imperitive at work to perpetuate the human species? Whatever it is I just want peace. Sometime I wish lightning would strike me and I would never have o feel this way ever again. Good God this is terrible.