[dmajor7th]

Hello, I posted before on the addiction thread. I have quit booze, cocaine, heroin and have been 8 months off methadone. The only reason I bring all this up, is to make it clear that I have had more than my share of withdrawl.

Now. I have suffered from depression all my life. Anxiety has been the last few years. I have been in a dark room for almost a decade. I go to doctor's appointments-that's about it. I haven't had physical human contact for about 8 years. I have a roomate, but he raises my anxiety level and irritability level so high, it's unbearable. I'm hypersensitive to noises and he yells when he talks, crashes dishes, God it's unbearable. I've been living with him for years. Can't work, can't afford to move, nowhere else to go. So. I cannot breathe unless I take Xanax. Heck even on it I can't somtimes. I'm on abour 4 mgs-maybe sometimes 4.5 a day. been on it differing dosages for a few years. Also on 10 mgs amitriptyline for sleep. I can never breathe-get enough air-I wake up like that-I have constant muscle pain, I want to well, I've had it. I'll be 39 in July and I've never had love in my life. And I feel so much pressure that I'm going to turn 40 soon and I've achieved nothing and I'm really lonely.

Ok, point of post. Clearly something has to be done. Doctors want to put me on antidepressants-which I understand and think I should try. But I've tried many and they made me feel worse-some have since been discontinued for killing people-ie Serzone. Doctors will want to put me on clonazepam instead of the Xanax-which I understand-I tried it once-made me feel like crap and what I'm really afraid of is the long half life. For both antidepressants and benzos there is a withdrawl. And I've had enough of withdrawl-I'm STILL feel like I'm in methadone withdrawl-but I'm beginning to think it's my natural state. I have reached the end of my strength and don't think I can go through the trying different drugs, blahblah blah, for months, probably making me feel worse-and if one does work, I'll have to go through a horrible withdrawl-which I'll worry about the entire time I'm on it. So what do I do? I've tried prozac-made me feel horrible, I've tried serzone-gave me a migraine for 2 days, I've tried wellbutrin-remember I have anxiety-bad-I can't afford anything that speeds me up-which this did. I refuse to even try effexor after reading about the withdrawl that causes. I tried paxil-made me feel stoned-but in a real bad way. So, do I slowly withdraw off the xanax, .25 for 2 weeks and stay off everything else? Do I try the clonazepam and add untold time to my withdrawl period-that's if it's even strong enough for my anxiety-which I doubt. and if I get off the Xanax-how do I breathe? I've tried deep breathing-I can't seem to do it right or something. I'm fat-don't want to get fatter-these pills do that too. I'm ready to do something desperate. I honestly think changing my environment alone would help, but I'm literally too physically and mentally disabled to do it. I'm constantly in pain, weak, exhausted, brain doesn't work, go from rage, despair-literally can't speak to roomate without snarling. (No other physical problems to account for this-I've been bloodtested to death) I have no friends-when I quit using drugs, I got rid of them and have since made no more. That was years ago. God I sound pathetic-if I even had a bloody friend, it would help. So anyway, what about the meds? Anybody have any suggestions? If I go to the day program at mental health, they'll want to medicate me or they'll call me "non compliant." Sorry for such a negative post-I really want to be an "up" person. I've tried really hard to change my life, but I'm out of strength now. I have no one to call or talk to about this. My parents are no help whatsoever. So, do I try an antidepressant again? Which one? Do I go from xanax to clonazepam? I don't want to be on any pills. I'd like to never have to see a doctor again in my entire life.