Originally Posted by findingme
Now I sit wondering how to MAKE IT UP for the last few years of pain and misery I put my girls through. I was NEVER out of their lives .... but I did not realize the severity of my absence in the same home and what my addictions had on them. It's a pain that I will have to carry with me the rest of my life. I tried *buying* their love ..... but that doesn't work ..... I just did whatever it could to have them WANT me, be with me, love me ..... even if that meant spoiling them with whatever they needed materialistically! What an awful message I was sending them!
In my case, I tried to reach out .... tried to explain ..... tried to talk to them; but they just didn't want to know or hear about my life "without dad!" They felt/feel abandoned and from what I've been told "want their OLD mom back"!
Reading your post here just tears me apart .... not just for me .... but also for YOU! I'm so very sorry you have had to experience this. How I wish things could have been different for you ..... but alcohol destroys the very essence of a person ..... they DO *settle* for things ..... for their disease is all that consumes them.
I don't know whether or not you have shared your writing with your mother, but I know that if I had received a letter/poem like that, I would be so very very grateful. Don't know if it would change her addictions, but it would explain your inner feelings and maybe change your relationship somewhat.
I have no advice; just offer you prayers and praise your courage to write and share your incredible post.
THIS mother thanks you and wishes things would change.
If sharing, releasing your thoughts or feelings would help you, feel free to PM me ..... if I can help in any way, I'm here!
You're a great, STRONG young woman! I hope you know that! I hope that in a sobering moment of your mom's time, she will be able to read what you wrote and embrace it, cherish it, and maybe change; but I don't know the situation, and I certainly can't promise that will happen.
All my love and prayers to you,
Maria