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Old 05-13-2005, 07:11 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
DefofLov
Survivor
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by findingme
Now I sit wondering how to MAKE IT UP for the last few years of pain and misery I put my girls through. I was NEVER out of their lives .... but I did not realize the severity of my absence in the same home and what my addictions had on them. It's a pain that I will have to carry with me the rest of my life. I tried *buying* their love ..... but that doesn't work ..... I just did whatever it could to have them WANT me, be with me, love me ..... even if that meant spoiling them with whatever they needed materialistically! What an awful message I was sending them!

In my case, I tried to reach out .... tried to explain ..... tried to talk to them; but they just didn't want to know or hear about my life "without dad!" They felt/feel abandoned and from what I've been told "want their OLD mom back"!

Reading your post here just tears me apart .... not just for me .... but also for YOU! I'm so very sorry you have had to experience this. How I wish things could have been different for you ..... but alcohol destroys the very essence of a person ..... they DO *settle* for things ..... for their disease is all that consumes them.

I don't know whether or not you have shared your writing with your mother, but I know that if I had received a letter/poem like that, I would be so very very grateful. Don't know if it would change her addictions, but it would explain your inner feelings and maybe change your relationship somewhat.

I have no advice; just offer you prayers and praise your courage to write and share your incredible post.

THIS mother thanks you and wishes things would change.

If sharing, releasing your thoughts or feelings would help you, feel free to PM me ..... if I can help in any way, I'm here!

You're a great, STRONG young woman! I hope you know that! I hope that in a sobering moment of your mom's time, she will be able to read what you wrote and embrace it, cherish it, and maybe change; but I don't know the situation, and I certainly can't promise that will happen.

All my love and prayers to you,
Maria
Oh Maria,

We do what we can with what we have you know? You have made mistakes in the past and now you are doing what you can and all you can do is keep doing your best to make it right. You daughters may have to go through a recovery process too.

Family relationships are not easy, alcohol/addiction or not. Everyone in the family has to work to become a nurturing and supportive entity.

My mother is still an alcoholic, we dont have a "real" relationship. I appreciate what we do have even if it isn't much. I appreciate the fact that I can call her and hear her voice even if she doesn't quite know me. I appreciate the fact that she is alive. No matter how cynical I am about it, if she is still breathing there is still a chance.

I appreciate the person I have become as a result of the lifestyle she chose. I am stronger for it and I choose not to go down the same path.

I see a cycle in my family and I am determined to stop it and determined to raise healthy children who do not suffer the same as I do. This means I continue to recover and I continue to work hard on myself. It is not to late for me and it is not too late for you or your daughters.

They have to come forward, they have to forgive, they have to recover on their own. It will take time for them to realize this and work on both of your parts to rectify the relationship you have with one another and move to a more positive and fulfilling level.

Having the Mom I have had has taught me many lessons:

1. People have to change/recover on their own.

2. You truly cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself.

3. Take nothing in life for granted.

4. If you set your heart on something and put your energy into it, even if you do not reach what you are aiming for, you gain something special in the process.

5. My life is under my control and it is my choice to either love it, hate it, or feel indifferent. I choose to love it.

I know that was a garbled message but I hope in all that you know that I appreciated your response and I really hope that you do not continue to beat yourself up over your past. Take responsibility yes, but dont stop yourself into the ground. You are doing way more than I can say for my mother.

*hug*

~Def
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