My Mother

Mother, it is strange that there is so much I want to tell you but I can't. I can tell everyone but you how I feel about you. I can stand in front of a million people and testify how I feel about you but I cannot sit in a room alone with you and utter a single word of it. All I know is that my love for you is undying. I miss you but I know you are not good for me. I know that I cannot be around you that much because you cannot provide me with the nurturing motherly love that I need and you drain me with your alcoholism and manipulative behavior.

Your drunken behavior was once a blessing to me because it was the only time you would pay any attention to me. Like you had to get drunk in order to tolerate my presence.

Mother, I am your baby, your youngest, and the only one of your children who has never ever defied you. I cannot defy you for I fear you will no longer love me the way you do should I protest your behavior. Mother, I want you to know what I have been through. I want you to know how much I have hurt over the years.

I want you to know that I sat on the counter looking out of the window waiting for you to come home.

I want you to know that every single day that you made me live with grandma I cried for you.

I want you to know that every single time Aunt Dena struck my heart with her harsh words...the fact that you did nothing about me struck my inner essence.

I want you to know that everytime you let my brother tease me and beat me up I cried for more than his aggrevation, I cried because I could not run to you.

I want you to know that I do not know how to ask for help from others because I cannot seek help from you.

I want you to know that I will never ever drink in my life for fear that I might become the worst that is in you.

I want you to know that out of all the abusive and toxic people I have had in my life, you were the one who has both hurt me the most and loved me the most.

I want you to know that my heart hurts everytime I smell Calvin Klein's Obsession, I am reminded of you and it hurts.

I want you to know that I just want you to know how much I hurt so that you could know who I am better not so that you can hurt to.

Mother, something inside of me yearns for you and no matter how hard I try, I will always have a void in my heart from reaching out to you and never being able to hold on to you. Something inside of me will always make me cry for you. Something inside of me will always wish so much more for you than what you have limited yourself to and settled for. Something inside of me will always wish you did not drink the way you do. Something deep inside of me will always love you and hate the alcohol that consumes you.

Mother

I

Need

You

And

Love

You.

~Def