laurenl

okay, i'm new to this. i found you today while searching the internet for some kind of help.

i think i've just diagnosed myself as having a binge-eating disorder. i am not overweight, well maybe somewhat, i think i'm "average", but i can identify with the other "symptoms" that all the sites show about binge-eating disorders.

i'm kind of afraid to do this, but more than anything, i just want to get this off my chest, and get this "out there", because up to this point i have been totally alone in this.

no one knows that i have a problem with eating, i'm pretty good at hiding it, though food/eating proves to be a constant battle in my head that i can't seem to get over.
like i said, i'm pretty much average size, however, i feel like i'm too "big" for "me". all of my life i have been very small, and all of my friends and family know me as being small. my life has almost revolved around it. when i was younger i got a lot of attention because i was "cute and little". i had no idea that it could someday be damaging. but it has, now, i think, that i've come to identify myself around being a "little person". but ever since i graduated and went away to college (i am a college student now) i have gained a little weight. i know it's not a lot, but like i said, it feels like too much for me. and it's to the point where i don't want to go out if i've just eaten too much, i find it hard to even go to work or school sometimes because i feel "fat". walking around campus, i feel like i'm especially conscious of any part of me that might look "fat", and feel like other people are probably judging me by this.

i want to work out more, but i guess i already feel like i'm destined to fail at that. i've never been a very athletic person, and i guess i'm afraid of failure. besides, i feel like if i could just lose some weight first then i would be able to show my face at the gym, or at the pool, whatever.

i weigh 117 lbs. right now. but my weight fluctuates a lot - usually anywhere between 115 and 125. i've been up to 129. i used to weigh 105 in high school.

i hate going home or being seen around my home town because i know everyone there remembers me like i used to be, and i'm embarrassed of what i've become.

i know i'm really not that overweight, but i just feel so out of control. i feel like my eating habits are really horrible, and that i'm powerless to control them.

i rarely ever eat in front of people, and then only in front of people i'm really comfortable with. and even then i don't eat a lot.

i feel like i'm depriving myself if i don't eat a lot, or eat food that's bad for me. sometimes i wait for everyone to leave the house or to go to bed so i can eat. i eat in the restrooms at school, or in the car.

i feel so horrible about this. i feel ridiculous and disgusting at the same time.

i'm sorry if this message is especially long, but i really just want to get this out there.

i feel like i'm out of place. i don't know if i'll get a response. i guess more than anything, i just want to know that someone somewhere knows that this is going on. i admire all of you who have the courage to talk about and fix your problems.

i thank you for just being there to read about mine.

lauren