[jlo34]

I pretty well ran my life on "self-will" for nearly all of my sobriety ~ until this past November/December...that was for 13 1/2 years, life was usually ok. I suffered from a lot of anger and quick rage. Always feeling I had to do "better", be better...I guess the only person I really fooled was myself. I hid in my profession working tons and tons of overtime. Everything came to a head, as I said in November/December. I fell into a huge pool of depression which led into suicidal ideation, more like obsession...every day for weeks. I considered checking myself into a stress unit, because I truly was afraid that I was going to follow through. Things that meant something to me, didn't then...there was nothing I wanted to live for...actually felt more like I was possessed. I didn't understand why I wanted to commit suicide, but I had this overwhelming feeling. Eventually, I came to the realization that I had to become willing (2nd step) to get better, learn how to turn my will and life over to God, do the most thorough 4th step I've ever done-a complete thorough list, a brutally and painfully honest 5th step with both of my sponsors, a ton of praying, meditation, step 6, 7, 8, and 9. Followed up with more prayer and meditation and step 10 daily. Going to the Big Book tables and the 12 & 12 tables, talking to my sponsors frequently and loading up on meetings, overloading on meetings, and then gently filtering down to find out the happy balance I need.

I was so close that there were many times I almost went back out drinking. It wasn't because I had an overwhelming desire to drink, drinking represents dying to me and that's what I wanted to do. There was one very frightning evening that I had the obsession of the mind with drinking, before going to a meeting, talked about it, went out for coffee with my friends, and then on my way home, back to obsessing... I came home and remembered that I had a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the bathroom (hadn't thought of that for a long time). I grabbed the bottle and thought, I'll smell it and the smell will be so disgusting I won't want to drink it. So I smelled it, it smelled good (that alone should tell you I'm an alcoholic!!!!). Then I thought, if I just have a taste that won't be a "relapse" will it? Before I knew it the bottle was at my lips and then the next thought, thank God, was "what the he$$ are you doing?!?". That stopped me, I lowered the bottle down, put the cap on, and said, "I don't know.". I put it back, got down on my knees and begged God for help again. That incident really scared the living crap out of me, I have never been that physically close to drinking in sobriety, and it was right there. Only God could (and did) save me that night. There have been so many awesome people that have helped bail my butt out this past several months. Thankfully, I have been blessed with serenity and peace of mind since February. I continue by doing good things for myself and continue doing the things that helped get me there. Big Book studies, 12&12 studies, keeping in contact with my sponsors, and going to my home group M-F AM and putting a couple of other meetings on there too. I rarely ever sponsored anyone, who would want what I had??? I have found myself picking up a lot of sponsees lately, at last count, 5. I've been involved in helping get AA functions going; mini-conferences, dances, my homegroup's anniversary, etc. I find things to do and low and behold, my physical body is healing much better with positive thought!!! What a concept. So now I am concentrating on staying/getting physically fit, spiritually fit, and emotionally/mentally fit.

I understand now, what they saw about the old-timers getting complacent and getting drunk. Before it happened to me, I never thought the thought or desire would be there, and before I knew it, I was obsessed with a drink at my lips. Only by God's grace I didn't.