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OK. I think I am ready to write this now. I see myself in so many of these posts as I have said before. I don't want to ruin the relationship I am in AGAIN. So I need some tips on how to stop these behaviors. But first, my story...
I met my SO online in April 2002. We would IM for hours every night. I would freak out if I didn't hear from him. By June, we were taking turns driving the 350 miles between us on the weekends, and by August he had moved here. By October we were expecting a child, and his then 11 year old daughter had come to live with us. I have 4 other children of my own. We bought a house, and moved 60 miles from the city, to a town where neither of us knew anyone. I thought it was great because I would have him all to myself. ( I didn't realize until recently how controlling this was).
Life went on for a couple of years, we had a new baby, and I thought life was wonderful. My man was attentive, affectionate, and always put me first. But I always needed to know where he was, who he was talking to , etc. etc.
Our kids didn't really get along, but I thought they were dealing with it. I was working full time, driving an hour and a half each way, 6 days a week, and taking care of a newborn when I was home. I know I was neglecting the SO. We were both under alot of stress. He started leaving at night when I was upstairs with the baby, and not telling me. Maybe this is a control thing, but I thought it was very rude to not at least say " Hey Babe, I'm going out for a while", and he would do it every night- I was annoyed. One afternoon we got into a huge fight, and I accused him of all sorts of things he must have been doing on those evenings out. I screamed and yelled and said alot of horrible things that I knew weren't true. The next couple of weeks were very "chilly" then one weekend I took all the kids to my Mom's , and while we were gone he packed up and left.
I was devastated. For the next 6 months I cried, begged , pleaded, threatened, and tried to bargain my way back into his life. I thought I was losing my mind, I couldn't eat, sleep, my every thought was of him. I cried constantly. Sometimes I would go over and we would end up in bed, and I would think , he wants to get back together, but he would always make sure to clarify that he didn't. He said he didn't love me anymore. When he told me he was seeing someone else, I went ballistic. I would drive by his house, call him constantly..etc. Then someone gave me the book " The Co-dependent's Guide to the 12 steps", and I started to step back from the relationship. I convinced myself that I had to let go for my own sanity, and I told him so. One week later, he had dumped the GF , and said he wanted to get back together and try to work things out. He said he still didn't think he loved me anymore, but he was willing to work on it. He has not moved back in, because he wants his space, and that's ok with me.
But...... maybe because he no longer says "I love you" ... I am ridden with anxiety that he will leave, or that he is cheating on me. I see him every day after work, spend evenings with him several times a week, but when I'm not in constant contact with him, I obsess. I hack into his email, and know that he has a close female friend that he plays online pool with, and that she calls him frequently. I also know that she is married, knows about me, and that there is no suspicious content in her messages. They have a conspiracy going to keep me from knowing that they talk on the phone, and I understand why, but it still bothers me to the extent that I want to call her and say something. Help!!!! I don't want to lose him again, but I also want to learn how to be OK if I do. What can I do to stop the obsessive thoughts and behaviors that are ruining my life and taking my sanity!

Again, thank you all for being brave enough to share your stories. It helps to know that I am not alone.