[historyteach]

I'm investigating something in myself here. And I'm not sure what to think. So, I decided to come here, lay it out and ask your thoughts.

I had a very difficult situation at school last week. A girl threatened to bring a gun in and kill another. The school police officer was away at a conference, and the administration did nothing. The girl was in school - with the girl she threatened to kill.
Long story short, I fought for two days. The VP asked me to continue fighting.Then, the stress was too much. I went to my doc and got some time off. The principal was mad at me; he said I was overreacting. He allowed her back to classes. I refused her entrance to my class, and suggested the others on our team do the same.
This is what I'm dealing with right now. I'm smoking up a storm. I'm not sleeping through the night. I'm "ruminating" about what happened and what could have happened. I'm crying a lot. I'm forgetful. Feeling overwhelmed and have lots of nervous energy. I also have a very tight throat - my version of panic attack.
Since then, the school police officer has arrested the girl, once he returned and investigated and found it to be a credible threat. He arrested a boy involvolved too. I was unaware of that until my colleague emailed me to tell me!
I don't feel safe. Bottom line. I don't trust the administration to do the right thing. This was such a no brainer, and they did nothing! I was told I was overreacting!
Evidently, the cop didn't think so!

Now, I've gone to my old counselor as a result of this stress. Years ago, I was very depressed, and wanted to die as a result of my son's addiction and so very much more. I was in the middle of a divorce too. I was hospitalized. Put on massive drugs. Was told to seek disability as a result of my depression. They also thought I was bipolar. I rejected that thought, even though I accepted that I was depressed. I had worked with bipolar kids, and didn't believe that was me.
Well, I took all my drugs, and handed them to my regular doc. From that point on, I started recovery. I've been working and healthy for 5 years.
However, the counselor wanted me to tell my doc about the possibility of bipolar. She said, since its springtime, and many bipolar people have extreme reactions during this time of year, she wanted him to consider the possibility. I told him; haven't heard anything yet.
I still reject the idea. I think the circumstances under which I was fighting an unresponsive system to a clear and credible threat is the cause of my anxiety.
However, another friend on another forum introduced the idea of PTSD. For whatever reason, that resonated with me. It's only been a few weeks since the Indian school massacre, and no one can forget Columbine. Although nothing DID happen at my school, it was clear it very well COULD have happened. And the administration took no action! That lack of action is what set me off. I know I am very shaken right now.
I am on welbutrin - supposedly to help stop smoking. LOL!
I have a script of 1/4 mg xanax for the anxiety. It takes the edge off, and it's to be taken only when I need it. I've taken one each day since this happened.

I know none of you are doctors. Or, at least I don't think you are! But, as patients, we can learn alot! So, I'm asking you to share your thoughts.
Thanks for listening.
Shalom!