[Live]

Jenna,

Honest to God, at those moments, the best I could do was look back and see "how many lives I had lived", how impermanent are the passages, and how in one, I could never have foreseen or even imagined the next. And an old joke with myself about, well, if it comes down to that, bad enough, I can always run away and join the circus.
So, I waited for the changes to come as they inevitably do. I admit I was too passive. But when I got on the right meds, that fixed that. For one moment in my life I have and had never imagined myself on a 6 month sabbatical in Argentina below the Tropic of ???Cancer/Capricorn (both and the equator too!) This was not in my script of possibilities. I knew poverty. I knew depression. I knew shame. I knew all the constrictions. And, by God, I still do. I am SCARED of going to work in Texas all by myself. I don't have the money to even set myself up there. I am scared of failing at the job, being in over my head. Freaking SCARED!!! And it is going to be lonely.
But, dear loved Jenna, the only constant in life is FLUX. That things change. I am not counting how many years I was in the pit of despair. Too damned many. But that is where I was and it makes me who I am today.
Determined to squeeze the life of out today and tomorrow. When I can.
And my evil grin at my mottos (amongst many)...living well is the best revenge.
And THOSE others watching it/seeing it is second.
And when I can't the AA.....fake it 'til you make it.
And when that is too too too much, screw you if you can't take a joke...I huddle in my nice warm bed, get all stinky and read books.
I am not in the military. And if I got messes and piles, they are mine and I will get to them when I am damned good and ready.
If I want to talk to someone I don't trust myself with. I can e-mail. And then again, I can ignore e-mail. Or let the phone ring.
The more selfish I become, the more compassionate I become. But it is all at my own rate and time.
And I don't put myself on the cross anymore.
Not for nobody. Not even me.
Remember "En Vogue"? You got to learn how to see me before you can read me!
Free your mind and the rest will follow!
Who has walked in your shoes? Or mine?
The universal salute!
Ignorance knows no bounds. But that ain't my problem, baby, and that ain't yours.
F'em if they can't take a joke.
Take care of YOU. And only YOU will know what that means to you today.
And ps, do NOT deny yourself of comforts. I tried aesthiticism. Read and read and read on it. Where the sun doesn't shine! We all need, again, in song, somebody to lean on. Science says.....we NEED human warmth.
Just remember that little hint I gave you.....if you get within 10 feet of anyone,
ANYONE, put on a warm smile and say "Hi, how are you?" I can't tell you how greatly that affects others perception of you. They have been waiting all their life for someone to ask that and mean it.
A lesson I learned this "Sabbath for me" from Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet" from the section on talking. Some talk because they have no stillness in their heart. If you can listen to them with the compassion that they speak out of need, you and I will have gained a great thing. And be endeared by many.
Love you, with warmth, humor, hugs and spunk,
live/Tena