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Hello everyone,
I hope it's not rude for me to keep posting about this, but I'm so excited and since I don't have a sponsor yet I need someone to talk to about this. I went to the women's meeting tonight and it was awesome. I was kind of sad that when they asked would anyone want to be a temporary sponsor NOBODY in a room full of about thirty women raised thier hand! Where the heck am I supposed to get a sponsor? But other than that it was such a good meeting and the people were very nice and really working the program and had wonderful things to say. I saw some people I knew from before and they didn't look at all like they thought I had the plague or anything, they were very happy I was back. I got in my car to drive away and started crying, because I felt like I have finally started on the road to recovery after wanting to for so long. It's scary, too. At work today I had a moment, late in the afternoon, where I was fighting with myself over whether or not I would stop at the liquor store on the way home. I thought, "I just need one more time, just once and then I'll start for real." But I've done that, over and over and over again for 25 years, except for the few years I was sober before. It feels like I just will fall apart if I can't drink! In the middle of this I got a bunch of cards to give to residents from some student volunteers and one of them had a poem on it about how all God expects of us is just today. I pinned it on the wall above my desk after I read it about 10 times, and I plan to read it every day. If I get drunk tomorrow, that's tomorrow's deal. But today, I am feeling so good about sitting here with my full senses and knowing tomorrow I won't be sick or smell like alcohol, and I have a chance of really getting sober! I quit smoking dope, too. I smoked my last bit Sunday morning and then yesterday I threw away all my pipes and dusted around real good so I won't be scraping around for bits and pieces in the late night if I get the 'joneses'. I've had a headache and nausea and been really tired, but other than that no withdrawal symptoms. I know I'll cry a lot, every time I quit long enough for it to get out of my system that happens. Every other time, for the past years, I've given in and drank again. But, those times I didn't quit the smoking pot, and I didn't go to meetings regularly, and I didn't feel I had anything really to grasp ahold of, no God, no AA, no program. So OF COURSE I drank again! It doesn't have to be that way this time!!!! A woman at the meeting invited me to go to a women's recovery weekend this weekend, and I may go. It's a little more money than I can spare now, but I'm going to see if I can do it. A whole weekend of meetings and fellowship would make a big difference. If I can't go, I'll just go to lots of meetings here and stay away from people who use.
Thanks so much for letting me rant on and on. Putting it here helps quiet my mind a bit, since all this was spinning madly around in my head and not helping the headache thing at all.
Hugs,
Karen
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