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Originally Posted by journeygal I just wanted to say that I think it's wonderful that in just a short week you have reached such a level of clarity and understanding about your recent relationship. A lot of people run from one relationship to the next without even realizing there's a deep underlying problem, much less pinpointing what the problem is. |
Journeygal, thanks for the support. The thing is this -- I may have clarity, yet I'm suspecting I may do the same thing again, despite my understanding. It's the separation of head and heart. The truth is, I'm afraid that if I knew that getting on my knees and begging for forgiveness and vowing to be 'better' would have him resume the relationship, that I might do it. And that shows me how far away I am from health.
Right now, it just hurts so terribly. One difficult thing, is that he loved me through so much recovery work. Held me, comforted me, loved me, as I did him. I held him through PTSD memories as he body quivered, and tried to make him feel safe. I looked up to him and his wisdom and gentleness with me. And he would be the one that I would take this aching hurt to today, but of course I can't. It feels like I have been dropped off the side of a boat.
I'm trying to figure out if this simply 'normal' grief from the end of an important relationship, or I'm stuck in a bond that's replaying the past.
thanks
gf