I'm so glad you're here, trudgingagain. I imagine you feel some relief getting all that out of your head and onto "paper".
I took my time reading your story because I know it was very important for you to get all that out.
What is your next step? Posting and reading here is great and there are many paths to recovery. Have you looked into AVRT (Rational Recovery), SMART, Women For Sobriety?
Here is a link to some recovery programs:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
Stick around. We're here for each other. We're here for you.