Hi ejohn, I too am a mother of an adult son who is an addict and has been for many many years. I know your pain, truly I do and my heart and prayers go out for you.
I let my son come live at home many times thinking that if he had a place that was clean and safe and filled with love, he could beat addiction. My husband even gave him a job in his business where he could earn money to save for a better future and where my husband was there for support, and where he was allowed to leave to go to meetings and counseling without jeopardizing his job.
We supported his recovery, his efforts to find it each time he relapsed and we gave him opportunity to find a better way of living.
None of that worked, not once, not ever. He overdosed in our home twice and almost died both times and that didn't stop him either. He stole from us (please lock up your valuables and medications securely if you let your son come home), he lied to us and he turned our home, our safeplace, into a war zone. All the begging, crying, intervention, bargaining, manipulating and love in the world could not stop him ...because he simply was not ready to stop. My son has been missing over 9 years now, lost in his addiction somewhere unknown. I no longer search for him because nothing has changed...he will stop only when he is ready to stop and not one moment before. And truthfully, I almost died trying to save him over the years and I am certain I would die if I had to go through that again. He knows where to find us if he finds and keeps sobriety for at least a year. And most of all, he knows we love him with all our heart.
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. If love could stop their pain or our own, this forum would not be necessary and we could all go home happy.
There IS hope for our sons, ejohn, but it does not lie with us. It happens for them when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping. And we have to allow them their pain, their consequences, if we are to give them even a chance at getting better. The greatest gift we can give our sons is to let them work this out for themselves. They may die trying, but they are equally likely to die in our homes. The difference is that we will no longer love them into their grave.
There are many double winners here, codependents who have beat addiction as well, and most of them will tell you that when their parents let them go, it was a gift of love not a loss of love. When they say tough love, it is because this kind of love IS tough, it will nearly break our hearts to do it but a mother's love can stand the pain if it will save our sons.
What helped me survive all this was to find meetings, CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon are all similar fellowships that offer hope and help for people like us. My meetings and coming here, and saying a prayer each morning giving the care of my son to God and then spending my day in faith that God can do what I cannot, is what gets me through each day. Today I live happy and well, as life should be lived. I embrace the beauty of each sunrise and at sunset I say a "thank you God" prayer for seeing me through the day.
My husband handled all this in his own way and we had many disagreements and tears (his and mine) along the way. But we learned that it wasn't a battle between he and I, it was a battle by both of us to try to save what was not ours to save, our dear son.
There are many places of real help for your son. The Salvation Army has a free and very good recovery program and all your son has to do is make the call. There are meetings every day for him, NA, AA and others where he can go and find support from others who have been where he is. If he is ready for recovery, he will reach out to these resources. If he is not, then he won't be any more ready living at home.
WE are not the solution, we are not even a good chance for them. That's hard to accept but it's the honest truth.
I hope you will read the sticky posts at the top of this forum, there is a lot of helpful information there for parents and families. Addiction truly is a family disease.
I am glad you found us and hope you find the support and hope here that you are seeking. I hope in some little way we can lessen your pain by sharing how it was for us.
Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.