Hey Jake,
First off, thx so much for compliments
But I must say, I havent been organizing any meetings anytime lately. Just thinking back to during some of best recovery, when I was involved more in that way. I still wasn't really connecting with people all that much (though I think its worsened since then), but I was at least in the action of trying to use what I DID have to help others. the ability to organize a meeting. The ability to lead. The ability to share honestly about my experience. I think i helped more people through inspiration in my shares and my example than anything else. And that has always been the case, inside and outside recovery. There are many people here in LA who don't know, but through seeing my journey on facebook, then seeing me on tv a little (commercials) and knowing where I've come from they see that as inspiring. Some of them. So they tell me.
So that's an example of me not really having success with connection on an individual level, but having success with connecting with people in the way that I am able. Touch, move, inspire, entertain. That's my mantra. And what I'm trying to do with my life. Specifically because (I've figured out) its my own way of connecting with the world, sharing myself. Its funny, I'm 6'0 tall with wavy black hair and a funny, irreverant personality that would allow me access into pretty much any friendship or group. Except, that because of my "stuff", I have no desire whatsoever. And if I make myself be around people for too long, they start to see it. I shut down. I want to be away from them. Which they can sense. And then makes them think I'm stuck up. Which makes them actually NOT LIKE ME. So I go from being someone who people find interesting and are at east with and want to know, to someone people decide is stuck up and inaccessable and then don't like. This happens in every group. Including AA/NA groups..
Acting lets me step in, be mr. personality for that little while, then retreat back into the safety and comfort of my solitude. Writing/acting/storytelling in general, allows me a way to share myself with the world in a way that I am not in actual day to day life. Far more comfortable in front of a camera or group of people than I am trying to go to coffee with them.. So, that is why I am driven in that way I think. Telling stories allows me to share myself, and to our original point, allows me to share with them that they are not alone. Touch, move, inspire, or entertain them in some way. That is what I have to give.. Daunting as this pursuit may be.
So yea, socially, recovery wise, all of that I'm with you. Going to meetings is not easy for me. And I just relapsed last month after going 5 days a week for over 2 years. Despite the discomfort and disdain that eventually formed toward me among many who thought I was "stuck up". I went anyway.
But you and I have to stay clean. If discomfort in the meetings is my cross to bare for now, I can bare it. But it makes it much easier, if I find a way to plug in somehow into offering what I have to offer. Gives me more skin in the game. More meaning and purpose to my recovery. So I'm trying to get back to there somehow. Even if only through finding 1 person a day on here I can write to and encourage somehow. Something, that makes my recovery more than just about me. Cause I dont give enough of a **** about me for that to be the reason. And neither of us have a family to stay sober for. So its gotta be about how we can use all this to impact others I think. In whatever way we can.
Meanwhile, I'm starting with a therapist on Friday. Will my first time going to see someone specifically for my condition, since i've just figured out what it is in the past year. I'm skeptical, its a guy, but I will be open and try and get some help. I'd love to get some help.. Its painful living this way..
Keep up the good work my friend. Sounds like you're cleaning up. Stay the course and those wounds will heal; they physical ones, ones with your family, and the ones inside..
With love, brother
Chris
Chris