thank you all for your kind responses.
you are right, I still care about him and love him. and I am ok with that part. maybe "hate" was not the right word. what I meant was - I can't figure out why don't I even seem to be mad when he does these things. I understand that he is sick, however that still should not make it ok to treat me and the kids this way. and I know that, yet somehow it is almost as if it is ok.
boy, I think that I need to work a lot on myself. the more I think about it the deeper it gets. I say this because I see that pattern with other people that I care about, like my family of origin.
but, back to him. or me. i'm trying to figure out my lack of getting upset with him. I recently talked to one of my friends about my situation, and I told her that I wasn't mad with him. she said "i'm mad with him". with me it's more like, I love him no matter what. which doesn't seem healthy for me.
don't mean to make this too long, but it helps to just get it out. I feel like i'm talking about it in the meeting. not big on talking to a group face to face. I like one on one conversations. and I love coming to SR. this site has been a lifesaver through this all.
thank you all for analyzing all my personal dilemmas and listening to my complaints as I journey on. love you guys. big hugs and a lot of hope, because I know many are in a far worse spot than I. thanks again.