[maribel]

This past week I have been so down. I suffer from depression & anxiety and I'm on medication for it. But still at times even the meds can't take away the pain the crazy thoughts, the desperation i feel. I feel I don't have control of my own life.
The reason why I feel like this. Well one of my main reasons has to do with my live in boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years. When we first met we were both in recovery. But seven months into our relationship he started to use heroine again and it did'nt take long before I started too. Months after using we started smoking cocaine. Thats when things between him & I really started messing up. Because of my drug use my depression got so bad I attemted suicide. When I fist met my boy friend he was so nice. But once we started using he became verbally and mental abusive. Real bad! he would say the meanest things! I was so lost in my addiction and depression that i believed the things he would say to me & i felt so alone with no family or real friends to be there for me that i felt i needed him. I remember everything so clear as if it was yesterday. But 8 months ago i made a decision to stop using. I started to open my eyes & i decided to go to an in patient treatment center to stop using & learn to be strong, learn to be on my own without a man. And i did it. When i came home i had learned to be strong and that i no longer needed him. During that time he was'nt living with me. I came home i no longer was isolated in my bedroom like i used to do & i was socializing with my family & doing family things. I was'nt giving this guy to much attention. We broke up, but he seen me one day with a guy and he scared him away. We had a big talk & decided to give our relationship a try again. He started sleeping over alot & little by little he moved himself in. When I told him to leave he would'nt. I knew the main reason he moved in was to keep an eye on me. Things have been real stressful these past months. I'm tired of him. He still not working. He does'nt do nothing but cause me misery. It's bad enough that winter always gets me depress now I'm just exausted of telling him the same s#%$ over & over. I don't love him. I feel like at times I hate him. He won't leave. Before there was never a problem with him going back to his folks. But now there is. I guess they got tired of him to. Yes he still gets high. He's not smoking anymore but he still using. I learn to put a stop in giving him money all the time. I get a monthly check. And every time the 1st comes he starts to harras me for money. but finally i have become more firm about saying NO! But can I do about getting me out of my house? He has threaten to make things bad for me if i make them bad for him. I live under section 8. And he has threaten to call them and tell them i don't know what. Well i got to go. I'm just so depressed so sick of everything sometimes i think i'm better of dead. But i have two kids that hold me back from doing something stuped. I did'nt mean to make this such a long story. Sorry!