[allalone]

Sweetie you need help and meetings. Your thoughts of accidental suicide is very scary. And noone will ever get over your loss no matter what the circumstances. Are you working a program? Please do- this will help you learn to love yourself. Please understand from your bf's view. You had to start over and gain his trust back. Maybe he could go about it in a better way but he has a process of recovery also. It sounds like he could use a NARanon meeting himself. But maybe you could change the way you look at it. INstead of being crushed- take that test with pride! Knowing that it will come back clean! And if he is that damaging to you - maybe he's not the one for you. Please find a meeting. It will help! God bless you.