SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - He still "tests" me, I don't want to be here

unforgiven · 12-28-2004, 05:06 PM

My boyfriend drug tests me. I've been clean for 7 monthes and he still doesn't trust me. I used to weigh 135, now I'm 215. I once had a clear complexion, now I have acne scars.I've got huge stretch marks now on my stomach and breasts. This depresses me so much, but I made the trade-off. He was more important to me then my looks, it'd be worth it.
But it's not. I moved in with him so he could see the great "transformaion" and get some peace of mind that I was really clean. I don't know what else to do. He's come home a couple times saying "hey, I got something for you" and pull a drug test out of a bag. I take it right there and then, my spirit totally crushed that I did something wrong to make him think I was high. He doesn't look at me or talk to me until after it comes back clean. Then he'll smile and say "thanks, I needed some good news, I had a bad day"
After it comes out clean I think maybe he'll let the wall around his heart come down a little and we'll start to move forward in our realationship, but nothing changes.
How much longer do I keep doing this? We spoke on the phone last night and he started getting quiet. I said "what's wrong". He said "you sound weird"
"I have a sore throat and a cough" I told him. Now I have to take a hairstrand drug strand test when he joins me at my parents house for New Year's. I feel so low. So embarressed and ashamed that he's testing me (again) at my parents house. He's never going to stop doubting me, should I just keep taking them until he feels safe enough to marry me? Last night I couldn't stop thinking of ways to die. Nothing is ever going to get better, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be anywhere, I just want it to be over. I don't want my parents sad so I'd have to make it look like an accident, people get over accidents but not suicides. I've decided on either jumping off the balcony (the fence is really loose) or running out into the middle of street (we live on a blind curve and cars won't have a chance to stop) but then I feel bad because whoever hits me will be scarred. There's other ways that might work but I don't have a lot of time. I don't want to see my boyfriend or anyone else, I don't want to see the New Year...I just don't want to be here. Why do I feel so bad that he "tests" me?

12-28-2004, 05:06 PM	#1 (permalink)
unforgiven unforgiven Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: san jose, ca Posts: 1	He still "tests" me, I don't want to be here My boyfriend drug tests me. I've been clean for 7 monthes and he still doesn't trust me. I used to weigh 135, now I'm 215. I once had a clear complexion, now I have acne scars.I've got huge stretch marks now on my stomach and breasts. This depresses me so much, but I made the trade-off. He was more important to me then my looks, it'd be worth it. But it's not. I moved in with him so he could see the great "transformaion" and get some peace of mind that I was really clean. I don't know what else to do. He's come home a couple times saying "hey, I got something for you" and pull a drug test out of a bag. I take it right there and then, my spirit totally crushed that I did something wrong to make him think I was high. He doesn't look at me or talk to me until after it comes back clean. Then he'll smile and say "thanks, I needed some good news, I had a bad day" After it comes out clean I think maybe he'll let the wall around his heart come down a little and we'll start to move forward in our realationship, but nothing changes. How much longer do I keep doing this? We spoke on the phone last night and he started getting quiet. I said "what's wrong". He said "you sound weird" "I have a sore throat and a cough" I told him. Now I have to take a hairstrand drug strand test when he joins me at my parents house for New Year's. I feel so low. So embarressed and ashamed that he's testing me (again) at my parents house. He's never going to stop doubting me, should I just keep taking them until he feels safe enough to marry me? Last night I couldn't stop thinking of ways to die. Nothing is ever going to get better, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be anywhere, I just want it to be over. I don't want my parents sad so I'd have to make it look like an accident, people get over accidents but not suicides. I've decided on either jumping off the balcony (the fence is really loose) or running out into the middle of street (we live on a blind curve and cars won't have a chance to stop) but then I feel bad because whoever hits me will be scarred. There's other ways that might work but I don't have a lot of time. I don't want to see my boyfriend or anyone else, I don't want to see the New Year...I just don't want to be here. Why do I feel so bad that he "tests" me?