SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Help

shutterbug · 12-20-2004, 10:36 PM

Hello, it's the bipolar, photo girl here. First, I am so sorry that you and your family are having to deal with somethings so difficult and scary.

I do have a few suggestions of possibilities, but please...they are only suggestions and you have to decide for yourselves what is the best course of action.

*I believe that even though your daughter is 18, that you could still have her placed into a crisis intervention center for her own safety and well-being, if things get too crazy. I think it takes 2 people to have a person committed (which I don't like to use that word because it implies such a negative course of action, when these facilities, if they are good ones, can offer so much help to people with mental illnesses and substance abuse - as a starting point that is). However, it is important to know that such an action may possible make your daughter act out against you, as her parents, even more...so this is something to definetly weigh all sides. And really, the best help and only real help has to come from within her. She has to want to be healthy.

I'm guessing that she probably knows very little about what it means to be bipolar and for example, seh may not know that 80 percent of us turn to substance abuse as a self-medication tool.

*The ultimatum is a tough one. You don't want her to run all over you, but you don't want to see her go down the tubes either. It's definetly debatable as to what a parent should do in such a case. My personal OPINION is that your daughter is rebelling (I did it too as a teen) and any type of restrictions you try to put on her will only work to put a bigger gap btwn all of you. I know it's hard to watch someone do distructive things every day and fight against what's best for them, but I think if she is staying with the druggie friends of hers then she will end up getting worse.

I think mostly what she needs now is to know that people TRUELY care about her. Right now, she thinks her friends do, but we all know the probably really don't if their giving her the drugs. Try to be there for her as much as possible without enabling her. Let her know that there is a way out of her pain and that you are there for her if she decides she wants to try it. Calling her and telling her you love her and that she is welcome back into your house without having to give up her friends. It will be hard to do such a thing, but you can only nurture her if she is around you and can see that you are ON HER SIDE!!! Don't try to tell her that her friends are bad influences or bad people because she will just think that you are trying to punish her. Only she can decide for herself if these friends are bad for her life and trying to push her to see that will only push her away from you ...NOT THEM!!! She will run even faster to them because she thinks they understand her better and that they are not trying to control her.

I mentioned a book in another thread that is a good read for bipolars and their family and I think it would be great for you to read. And if you could possibly get her to read it (without forcing her) then it would be very beneficial. It's called, "A Brilliant Maddness," by Patti Duke.

I think the first and most important task is to educate yourselves and her as much as possible about the illness. If she understands that the depression will pass then maybe it will help her to know that she won't feel so bad forever. Although, you must know that her running out of money will not necessarily bring her back home, especially if she doesnt think you want her there. It's hard to take a good look at ourselves and our actions from the other side of the fence, but you have to! You have to try and see things from her perspective and try to see how she is interpreting the messages you are sending her with every confrentation.

I'm currently struggling in my second major depression of my life (I'm 28) and it's the most lonely place a person could ever imagine. Thoughts of dying seem like such a relief, especially when you think the people you love are against you. She is hurting. I can't stress enough how much she is hurting. Be loving to and with her as best you can.

You said she has been on meds, but didn't mention theropy. Bipolars NEED the help of a psychologist ( in addition to the psychiatrist) in order to help her sort out her thoughts and behaviors and to become educated about her disease.

If you love her as much as I suspect you do, then I would also highly suggest therapy for you, as her parent, also. The battles you have to face on this side of her illness are also difficult ones. A good psychologist can help ease stress and worries and to put things into perspective from an outsiders point of view....which can be EXTREMELY helpful if you can be completely honest with yourself and admit that you have played a part in her current actions (not consciencely mind you, but only out of lack of knowledge of the disease).

And don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best that you know how and that is the most important thing. Many parents wouldn't even search for outside help so by coming here you are dramatically improving the chances for you and your daughter's successful recovering and mended relationship. So give yourself a HUG pat on the back.
You are on the right path.

Good luck and God bless,
Lov,
Jenna

12-20-2004, 10:36 PM	#5 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,947 Blog Entries: 5	Hello, it's the bipolar, photo girl here. First, I am so sorry that you and your family are having to deal with somethings so difficult and scary. I do have a few suggestions of possibilities, but please...they are only suggestions and you have to decide for yourselves what is the best course of action. I believe that even though your daughter is 18, that you could still have her placed into a crisis intervention center for her own safety and well-being, if things get too crazy. I think it takes 2 people to have a person committed (which I don't like to use that word because it implies such a negative course of action, when these facilities, if they are good ones, can offer so much help to people with mental illnesses and substance abuse - as a starting point that is). However, it is important to know that such an action may possible make your daughter act out against you, as her parents, even more...so this is something to definetly weigh all sides. And really, the best help and only real help has to come from within her. She has to want to be healthy. I'm guessing that she probably knows very little about what it means to be bipolar and for example, seh may not know that 80 percent of us turn to substance abuse as a self-medication tool. The ultimatum is a tough one. You don't want her to run all over you, but you don't want to see her go down the tubes either. It's definetly debatable as to what a parent should do in such a case. My personal OPINION is that your daughter is rebelling (I did it too as a teen) and any type of restrictions you try to put on her will only work to put a bigger gap btwn all of you. I know it's hard to watch someone do distructive things every day and fight against what's best for them, but I think if she is staying with the druggie friends of hers then she will end up getting worse. I think mostly what she needs now is to know that people TRUELY care about her. Right now, she thinks her friends do, but we all know the probably really don't if their giving her the drugs. Try to be there for her as much as possible without enabling her. Let her know that there is a way out of her pain and that you are there for her if she decides she wants to try it. Calling her and telling her you love her and that she is welcome back into your house without having to give up her friends. It will be hard to do such a thing, but you can only nurture her if she is around you and can see that you are ON HER SIDE!!! Don't try to tell her that her friends are bad influences or bad people because she will just think that you are trying to punish her. Only she can decide for herself if these friends are bad for her life and trying to push her to see that will only push her away from you ...NOT THEM!!! She will run even faster to them because she thinks they understand her better and that they are not trying to control her. I mentioned a book in another thread that is a good read for bipolars and their family and I think it would be great for you to read. And if you could possibly get her to read it (without forcing her) then it would be very beneficial. It's called, "A Brilliant Maddness," by Patti Duke. I think the first and most important task is to educate yourselves and her as much as possible about the illness. If she understands that the depression will pass then maybe it will help her to know that she won't feel so bad forever. Although, you must know that her running out of money will not necessarily bring her back home, especially if she doesnt think you want her there. It's hard to take a good look at ourselves and our actions from the other side of the fence, but you have to! You have to try and see things from her perspective and try to see how she is interpreting the messages you are sending her with every confrentation. I'm currently struggling in my second major depression of my life (I'm 28) and it's the most lonely place a person could ever imagine. Thoughts of dying seem like such a relief, especially when you think the people you love are against you. She is hurting. I can't stress enough how much she is hurting. Be loving to and with her as best you can. You said she has been on meds, but didn't mention theropy. Bipolars NEED the help of a psychologist ( in addition to the psychiatrist) in order to help her sort out her thoughts and behaviors and to become educated about her disease. If you love her as much as I suspect you do, then I would also highly suggest therapy for you, as her parent, also. The battles you have to face on this side of her illness are also difficult ones. A good psychologist can help ease stress and worries and to put things into perspective from an outsiders point of view....which can be EXTREMELY helpful if you can be completely honest with yourself and admit that you have played a part in her current actions (not consciencely mind you, but only out of lack of knowledge of the disease). And don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best that you know how and that is the most important thing. Many parents wouldn't even search for outside help so by coming here you are dramatically improving the chances for you and your daughter's successful recovering and mended relationship. So give yourself a HUG pat on the back. You are on the right path. Good luck and God bless, Lov, Jenna __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).