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Old 04-17-2013, 04:45 PM
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Djp1000
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: New Haven , ct
Posts: 4
Sponsor trouble.

So I've been in NA for a little over six years. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have many adult child issues. I have experienced a very traumatic and abusive/dysfunctional upbringing and suffer immensely with trust and abandonment issues. I got a new sponsor after completing a fifth step with a previous sponsor, who was like my fourth sponsor at the time. A got the new sponsor because I didn't think the one I did my fifth step with could help me be the person I wanted to be. I was full of anger and insecurities and wanted someone who could teach me to be more assertive and sure of myself. Little did I know, I was looking for a father. I called this guy, who I had befriended a little earlier. He was like the most prominent figure in NA in my area. I figured he could show me how to be the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be the best. Now please don't laugh or judge, I was pretty screwed up at the time and suffering from compound ignorance. Anyway, this guy said he couldn't sponsor me the time, as he was exploring other modes of recovery, mainly ACOA and some other self realization programs. But he turned me on to another guy in the NA fellowship who he thought could help me. I spoke to this man and he told me to start my sixth step. Which I did. I was going through one of the most painful times of my life at that point. I had just gotten out of a longer term and off relationship; my first major relationship in recovery. Moved out of my family's home with my son, and just got my first job as an addiction counselor. After finishing my sixth step, I told my sponsor that I was ready to go over it. He had been taking my neurotic phone calls for the previous few months and felt that I was too wrapped up in character defects and just wanted to move onto my seventh step. I was a little confused but figured he must know what he's doing. I proceeded to write my seventh step, and when I was don, I told him. We went to go over it, and in my first answer to the first question, he stopped me and told me I wasn't being direct enough in answering the question. I told him that I write, as you can see, very thoroughly, and that I'd get to the point eventually. I wrote 1-2 pages per question sometimes, as I wanted to be as thorough as possible. He never listened to the rest of the step and I think we re-read the seventh step from the green and gold. I left feeling very angry and confused. I wondered what I did wrong and what I was supposed to do. I continued to call hi and eventually asked him when I could start the eighth step. He said I wasn't ready. So in complete frustration , I went to AA and got a new sponsor. Needless to say, that didn't work out, so I eventually ended up calling this guy again. We talked and I expressed my frustration and he said we could start working together again. I was a mess at this point, but still clean, and he started me back on my first step. When we met to go over so e of the questions, the topic came up about my sixth step. I reminded him again that I had competed my sixth step and he sounded surprised. He asked why I hadn't gone over it. I explained to him again, for the second time in the past few months, and he said he was glad I could be honest with him, then said we should go over it. Now, I was pretty pissed off and thought to myself, why the eff couldn't we go over this two years ago when I first did it. I've been sitting on this crap for two years and going insane. The whole time he's telling me I need to trust so done and make a commitment. I feel like I did trust him and got let down or rejected. I don't know if I trust him enough or can get over the resentment to now go over my sixth and seventh step with him. It really brought up my abandonment issues which makes it even tougher. And I still rely on this man for validation so its hard to just me it go. I feel like I've failed and am refusing to work through this and talk to him about it. But I also feel like a jerk and saying to him, "you let me down and I'm mad because i trusted you. Or should I just let it go and try to work with someone else. I don't even know if I want to work with this man but he seems to understand a lot of the stuff I've said to him in the past and has also experienced a traumatic upbringing. I really don't know what to do. I reiterate that I can't let it go and feel the need to resolve it with him but I don't want to be all accusatory toward him and make it worse. Ive been doin some acoa meetings as well which really seem to be helping but am having a hard time letting to of NA be size if all the people I know there. At the same to do feel inadequate and not worthy when I go to the NA meetings. So if anyone can give some gentle advice, I'd surely appreciate it. Thanks.
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