Plusone

A little background... I've been married a little over 11 years and my husband is a little over 2 years sober. About 7 years ago he had a sexual affair that lasted for a year. About 4 years ago I decided to get sober with the help of AA. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was someone who had more of a tendency to abuse alcohol rather than an alcoholic. When I was attending meetings I wound up attending women only meetings because I saw boundaries being crossed with men and women in relationships. I has also been "talked up" a few times and it made me very uncomfortable. The "men with men, women with women" saying certainly rang true with me. I should also add that until recently I was attending Al-Anon meetings, but stopped because on of my "friends" tried to get physical with me and it was very upsetting. I will probably go back in the future, but right now I am too upset by what happened and I'm barely keeping my head above water.

So with those few experiences, when my husband got sober I had asked him to not get involved with women in his AA group. What exactly were the boundaries I asked to be respected? I have no problems with him talking to women at his meetings. I had asked him not to get emotionally involved. By that I mean, not meeting up with women outside of group or texting, calling or emailing. That if there was a women with a problem, to refer her to another women. Basically, the whole men with men and women with women.

I had already had concerns because my husband can be very secretive. He has a long history of lying. I also believe he is very ego driven and gets very caught up in external validation and can be drawn to drama. There's also the affair I had mentioned earlier. So there is a pattern and I was very worried that by sharing personal things it would be a recipe for disaster and there were very grey areas were boundaries could easily be crossed.

So about a year ago I noticed two particular females interacting with him quite often on social media that sent off alarm bells. I asked him who they were and if they were women in his group. He said no, they were just people in his industry. A few months later when it continued I asked again and was told the same thing. You can probably guess where this is going... It eventually came out that he was lying. His explanation? The whole an anonymity thing which I thought was nothing more than an excuse because tells me about people all the time. I accused him of hiding behind his sobriety and that set him off.

So he continued to interact with one of the ladies on a pretty heavy basis in spite of me saying I wasn't comfortable with it, in fact, he accelerated it. They work together, but something didn't seem right. The only part I saw was HEAVY interactions through social media. There were comments from here like "I miss you.", "Wish I was there. See you soon.", "I'm baking you cookies." Sometimes there were as many as 7 posts in a two day period on his wall. I was told constantly they were nothing more than friends. I got lecture upon lecture about how he's a changed person and if I don't trust him what kind of marriage did we have. He told me I was crazy and that I was imagining things. I started thinking I was nothing more than a nagging b****.

A few months ago we were driving and a text came up from her while I had his phone giving him directions. I was so angry and said I am going to look at what else she has texted you. There were these long texts with things there like him supporting her because she had a miscarriage and asking her out to lunch. I should add that he had been very withdrawn from me emotionally.

Another example of his behavior was he had a work dinner with her that he led me to believe another co-worker would be attending. I was very suspicious. The next day he was acting cagey and I asked him if it was just the two of them and he said yes it was. I don't believe in my heart of hearts he would have been forthcoming with this information had I not asked. I was given the excuse of the other person had to back out at the very last minute. With some prodding on my part he had also asked her not to post anything on social media about them being out to dinner lying and saying he should be at another work meeting and didn't want to get into to trouble. He explained to me the reason he did this because he didn't want me to know because he wanted to have a good night. They went to a meeting together after dinner for his two year birthday and she wanted to take a picture of them together, but he refused because he also didn't want me to find out about that.

I should mention we are in marriage counseling right now. One of the agreements that was made was that if asked to see work emails from her, he was supposed to share them. He was away at a meeting to take a cake and before the meeting was starting I saw the "I miss you" posting. I had enough and asked him for his password so I could look at the emails. He freaked out saying he was coming home to look through them with me and I couldn't get into his emails without him showing me how to get into them. Which is a lie because you can go directly into to them. I didn't want to ruin his day so I dropped it. A few weeks later I asked again and he had deleted a bunch of stuff from her saying that they were all old things from before the agreement. Hmmmm.

About a month ago he was away and there she was doing more postings. I had spent about a month not really saying anything, but it still kept up and I had reached my boiling point. I asked him point blank what was going on and I got the same excuses. So I did something I am not proud of. I lied and said I was going through his journals. I then texted him back saying that it was all there in black and white and that my instincts were right and I couldn't believe he was having an emotional affair with this girl. And he finally admitted it. He also told me that during his one-on-ones with our counselor she had told him not to disclose his "crush" on this girl. I don't know if she advised this because he was not totally forthcoming with how deep he had gotten in. She told me in a session she thought it would have caused more harm. He has now changed his tune about calling it an emotional affair, but says there were certainly aspects of it, but that was not what it was. I am sticking firm to calling it as I see it.

So as it stands right now, he is staying at a friends house while we continue to go to counseling. He is more angry about me lying about going through his things than apologetic for his part in this whole mess.

Last week in our session he dropped something that knocked me back a few steps. He had made a list of things he wanted to see change in our relationship. The one that made me feel like I got punched in the stomach? He wants to be able to have emotional relationships with women in the program. I am not comfortable with that at all and I've been very clear about my reasons for this boundary. The books I've been reading about emotional affairs talks about how these things start - you open a door for someone to come in. After everything that has happened I just can't believe it. I don't understand his desire for this when there are so many men in the program that need help. The very idea of sharing deep and meaningful thoughts and having to keep them secret from me causes some pretty heavy anxiety for me especially coupled with his history.

Sorry this is so long. There's a whole bunch of other things he has done and hidden, but I don't want to write a novel. Am I crazy for asking him to respect what I am asking? Any advice would be very much appreciated. I am feeling very overwhelmed.