Introducing myself
I've been lurking for a while, now I've finally registered and I thought I'd introduce myself.
I'm Rrose. I'm 31. I've been drinking since I was in high school. In NZ we have a real binge drinking culture, and, looking back, I can see how much my approach to drinking today is a product of that culture. The majority of my old friends are heavy drinkers, still in their thirties. When we get together - thankfully not too often (we are scattered around the world) - the point, the focus, is always to get drunk. Some of them even affectionately call themselves alcoholics, and joke about it, while drinking. That's not me.
In my case, my grandmother was an alcoholic - a very well-heeled one - and my father often over indulged. It's too close to the bone for me to joke about being an alkie. I've been aware I've had a problem with booze for some years now. When I drink, I often can't stop, and I do things I regret - common theme for all us posting here.
I sought help a few years back and had three months sober, attending a counsellor. I quit when she suggested I invite spirituality into my life. That just isn't for me - I'm a trained philosopher! - and actually I felt a terrible lack of empathy when she pushed it, since I had told her about my views on life and what I didn't want. Bad luck I guess. I returned to drinking when booze fuelled philosophy get-togethers just didn't feel the same sober...
So where am I now and why am I here? For me, getting drunk has become a huge social hazard. I still like to drink, but I have become painfully aware that I cannot drink in social situations. I manage at home because (1) I usually don't drink; and (2) if i do, no one gets offended (I drink alone). If I go to a party, a few drinks turns into a dozen, I lose where I am, and why, and later I hear I have insulted x, offended y. Argh. This weekend I have turned down an invitation by a colleague to attend her birthday party, where everyone will be drinking, because I am CERTAIN that if I go, i will disgrace myself. At least I know that - that's something!
I am still at the phase where being forever sober feels like a wide yawning chasm of boredom. My rational mind knows it doesn't have to be that, but that's how it feels. Being honest. However, condemned to drinking alone for safety is stupid - I know that! Drinking alone is stupidness full stop. It's a game where you pretend you have friends - the voices in your head! (No, I'm not mad, but booze does that for me; it peoples my mind with admiring interlocutors.) So why don't I stop completely? I guess this first post is a first pass to figuring that out.
Goodnight!