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Welcome Sarah!
I'd suggest getting a thorough mental health check up. There might be more going on than plain depression.
Re meds.... I hated them too. I avoided them for miserable years. Like Live, I have found a med coctail that really helps. It has helped my life return to "normal", if I know what "normal" even is.
Re the drug memories.... we all have them. You say they make you suicidal. Is there any way to adjust your thinking so you feel instead that you are grateful the drug days are over?
Again like Live said, read here, post here, keep coming back!
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The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.
---------Terry Pratchett
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