My heart is breaking for you. I so feel your pain. I have done all of the above. I am only at 36 days sober now & struggle as well. truth is if I hadn't crashed my truck 36 days ago & lost my kids as a result, & going through crazy court stuff, I would probably drink too. But I realize as much as I want to drink & forget. I will end up sober & just as unhappy, most likely worse the next day.
I'm praying for you.