I would have been at 44 days today, but instead I'm back at 1. I am so sick with shame and self-hatred. What was supposed to be a relaxing night with the family swimming at a hotel turned into a two-day binge and me wrecking my car.
I'm afraid. I'm supposed to focus on the solution, not the problem, but all I do is create problems and disharmony with everyone around me.
I'm unhappy. There is this rock in the pit of my stomach and I look at my kids and my husband and wonder how I could do this to them over and over.
I don't ever want to be on Day 1 again. Insert giant eye roll here. How many times have I said this? Can it be true this time? Wrecking the car wasn't as bad as what I did to get my first 43 days of sobriety. I thought that jail/losing my kids/hurting my husband was as low as I could get. And it WAS! So can this be my bottom? If it's better than what happened last time, can it be? Because I want it to be! I want to be out of this personal hell that I have created.
I so wish that at every option, we would have made a different decision on Sunday night. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. Now it's all gone. I'm all out of chances, and I'm starting to run out of hope.